Twice Upon A What
by swanqueen-fangirl
Summary: CRACK FIC ALERT. Swan Queen and friends in all sorts of situations. Ridiculousness ahead.
1. Poetry Slam

"Regiiiiinnnnaaaaaaa, come onnn pleeeeeeassseeeeee?" Emma begged, "We haven't been out in like eighty four years.

Regina sighed, "Babe, whenever you go out, you tend to get…" she paused looking for the nicest word to describe her whining wife, "Well… stupid," she finished.

"With two O's" Henry added. Emma came around the kitchen counter and put her arm around the brunette's waist, "but that's why you love me so much," she said snuggling her face into the brunette's neck. Regina tried not to smile.

"So what do you say?" Emma asked, "Belle has invited us to a poetry reading or some shit, I don't really know, but that can't get too crazy, right?"

"_Belle?_ " Regina clarified.

"Yeah, _Belle_," Emma responded. Regina paused mulling it over because Emma and Belle together always came with a 50/50 chance of things getting out of hand and fast.

"I suppose it has been a while," she cautiously allowed.

"Yesss!" Emma high fived their son, "Great. I'll call David to babysit the kid," she said ruffling Henry's hair.

"How come I never get to go anywhere with y'all?" he pouted then amended, "I like poetry." His moms shared a glance at how precious their son was.

"When you're older; I promise," Emma grinned and said, "When you turn 21 you won't remember anything for a week." The brunette smacked her arm.

"What? That's how mine was at least," Emma shrugged, "Anyway, I'm going to call David," she said and whipped out her cellie.

* * *

Later that night Regina and Emma made their way down to the Rose Bar where they had planned to meet up with Belle. They stood outside the entrance for a while, but looking around, they didn't see her. They headed inside and Emma was busy scanning the tables when she heard a loud shout in her ear and an arm thrown around her shoulders from behind.

"HOW'S MY FAVORITE BITCHRESS!" the honey brunette shouted.

"LACEY!" she squealed throwing her into a hug, "Hot damn, I knew it was gunna be great night!" Emma stretched herself to poke Regina who was standing a few feet off, "Look babe, it's _Lacey_."

"Hello again, gorgeous," Lacey flirted. Regina rolled her eyes and Emma brightened with glee. Regina disappeared to the bar and returned with a plethora of drinks and shots and brought them to the table Emma and Lacey had overtaken. Emma's eyes expanded like a kid at Christmas.

"Are you for reals?" she whispered reverently.

Regina shrugged and said, "It's been a while and hey, La…."

Emma got down on one knee, "They will sings songs of your generosity a thousand years from now," and cheesily kissed her hand.

"What a mate," Lacey commented with a smirk.

They all downed a few drinks before they heard someone tapping on a mic and saying, "testing, testing…" The place settled down.

"All right, kids," Granny began reading from some cue cards, "We would like to welcome you all to the first Monthly Storybrooke Poetry Slam." The room erupted with only Emma clapping. She was sitting in between Regina and Lacey and both of them elbowed her. The blonde looked around and saw that everyone was snapping instead and she rolled her eyes, before joining them.

"First up, give a welcoming snap to Jefferson," Granny announced and the room obliged.

He wobbled on stage, walking in two circles before standing at the very front, with his toes standing over the edge. The Mad Hatter began  
_"Hat pretty my to ode an.  
Black quite is it raven a like.  
Size in grows it shrooms some with."_

"The fuck?" Emma leaned over to say into Lacey's face, pointing with her thumb at Jefferson.

"It's beautiful," she replied, with tears watering her eyes. Emma leaned the opposite way with her eyebrow raised, "The fuck?" she stage whispered into Regina's nose, motioning toward their friend.

"This is so straight," Regina agreed.

Jefferson finished with_  
"Cy- Miley star that dreams my in like.  
Fair be blood colored rust.  
Rare quite is it diamond a like."_

The room went crazy with snaps and he skipped backwards off the stage, after giving a salute. Regina drank another martini and Emma was still confused as fuck, patting Lacey's back.

They were all surprised to hear Granny announce Mary Margaret was up next. She took the stage in full blown poetry mode. She was wearing all black complete with a turtleneck, a black beret, and dark sunglasses. When she appeared on stage she didn't say a word, but instead, proceeded to bang out complete nonsense on the bongos she'd brought with her. The noise was atrocious.

"BOOOOOO!" Regina drunkenly tried yelling over the noise only two minutes into Mary Margaret's act.

"Regina!" Emma exclaimed, "You can't just BOO somebody like that! Especially Mary Margaret." The bongos proceeded to get even louder.

"Anyone could go up there, and they'd call it talent," Regina shouted over the cacophony, "This is stupid."

"Wait, with two O's or just regular stupid?" Emma inquired in all seriousness.

"Two O's?" Lacey asked, testing the word out in her mouth and laughing." Regina didn't respond, but just crossed her arms and huffed.

"Well if it's so easy, why don't you go up there and show us how it's done?" Emma prodded. Before Regina could protest, Emma had given Lacey a nod to the stage and then back to the Mayor. Suddenly both of them picked her up and unceremoniously carried her to the steps of the stage. Regina was then pushed on stage by the two of them and interrupted Mary Margaret's ten minute bongo solo. Emma's mother gave them a death stare before waltzing off stage dramatically with her bongos in tow. The room burst into cheering at the cease of bongos.

The brunette stood there unsure of what to do in the sudden spotlight. She carefully seated herself on the single stool in the center of the stage and accepted the microphone from side-stage-Granny. Emma returned to her seat with Lacey . She elbowed and winked to the dwarves sitting at the next table and said, "This is going to be good."

Regina downed her drink, straightened her posture to her full height, and with her most evil queen voice said with lengthy pauses between each word, "Chair. Drinks. Frame. Eyes." There was a small array of snaps at the intermission of her next verse. The blonde gave Lacey a questioning look and her companion just shrugged. Emma narrowed her eyes and followed her wife's line of vision.

"Glass. Wall. Smoke. Exit," Regina said in the same measured breath. Realization hit the blonde hard and she stood up, "What? She's just naming things in the room!" Emma heckled.

"Blonde. Drunk. Jacket. Moron," Regina continued through the interruption. Emma rearranged her gaping mouth into a straight face as Lacey chortled at her and she sat down. Regina finished up her poem resolutely with, "Floor. Clothes. Money. Hands." Regina slowly bowed her head as the lights dimmed.

The room absolutely erupted into a symphony of snaps. And as if they weren't loud enough, many patrons began to clap and one or two people even awarded Regina with a standing ovation. Emma had her arms crossed and refused to join the cheers.

"Why does she always have to be right?" Emma muttered.

Regina came sauntering back to their table with an I-told-you-so smirk radiating from her. Just to annoy her wife further, Regina came in close to kiss the blonde on her pouting cheek, but Emma pulled away and stood up.

"What if you can do it, then so can I," she slurred. Emma pushed her way onto the stage with her seventh drink in hand and swiped the microphone from side-stage-Granny's hand. The room quieted down.

In all seriousness, Emma whispered into her jack and coke and pointed the microphone at her wife, "I call this one: Reggie." An acoustic guitar started playing from somewhere in the room.

"WHAT DOES MY LOVE SAY?" she yelled into her drink, "RIN-DING-RING-DIN- R—"

Granny cut her off with a slap, "NONE OF THAT SHIT HERE!" She swiped the mic from the drunken blonde who stumbled off the stage grumbling and rubbing her cheek on the way back to her table to the sole sound of Lacey clapping furiously. Regina was laughing hysterically.

While Emma's ego was looking like a kicked puppy, Regina laced her fingers in hers and turned to the brunette in blue next to her, "Hey girlie, we both went up, so now it's your turn."

"But I don't have anything to say," Lacey refuted. Regina shrugged, "Neither did I," she said, pushing the sexpot out of her seat. Lacey unsteadily made her way to the stage and taking the mic, she randomly began with, "Sex, drugs, rock and roll," a few lazy snaps encouraged her pause, "Where am I?" she asked. A few more lazy snaps filled the room. She closed her legs together on the stool and sat straighter. Regina was familiar with her…condition and her sudden changes. She tapped Emma's thigh.

"Aw mann," Emma slurred, "Looks like the fun is over for tonight; Belle's back." She threw her arm up into the air and waved to get Belle's attention and the honey brunette awkwardly removed herself from the stage and to their table. The audience let fly a few varied snaps but most weren't sure if she was done or if it was part of her act. Belle's eyes were still adjusting to her switch and Regina rubbed her back as she was bent over with her hands on her eyes. It was no secret that Emma got along better with Lacey and Regina with Belle. She would remember what happened as her other half, but the transition wasn't always smooth sailing.

Granny cleared her throat, "Well that was…" she seemed to be looking for an appropriate word before abandoning her search with a shrug, "Alright kids, that about wraps up this slam. Give it up for our poets in the house." The place whooped and snapped a final time before people started to disperse. The three of them made their way out as well, preferring to walk at how drunk they were.

"Oh jesus, the fuck many drinks did that bitch have?" Belle spat, meaning Lacey. She was trying not to puke and was resting her entire weight on Emma who pin wheeled her arms trying not to fall over. Regina tried to answer her, "I lost count at your fourth or so, but you definitely had a head start before you met us here." Belle groaned.

"Let's get you back home to Hook then," Emma said with Regina walking behind them.

"AH FUCK!" Regina suddenly screeched.

"Aw shit, did she just biff it?" Emma half turned, still supporting Belle. Regina was sprawled out on the sidewalk, her heel wedged into a deep crack.

"I'm the motherfucking QUEEN, I shouldn't even be walking! You SERFS should be carrying me!" she berated a couple that walked passed her and didn't help the drunk woman up.

"Oh jesus," Emma said. She knew it was time to call it night when _she_ became the only responsible one; even with the room spinning so fast.

They got Regina's heel unstuck and dropped Belle off on their way home. Emma ended up giving her Queen of a wife a piggy-back ride and carried her the rest of their way home. The brunette had fallen asleep on Emma's back with her arms linked around her by the time she unsteadily keyed open their front door. The blonde dumped Regina onto their bed, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and removed her heels and jacket as best she could and she finally collapsed next to her. She'd deal with her no doubt hungover queen in the morning.

* * *

**A/N: **I've got a couple more ideas i already want to do & I'll introduce new characters only when I flesh out their crack personas. **PLEASE REVIEW! **it will help fuel my creativity and let me know if this is even funny or not. Thanks for reading!


	2. Halloween

"YOU DIDN'T DRESS UP" they both exclaimed said simultaneously along with, "YES I DID," and, "What are you?"

"Cut that shit out," Regina said, ending their echoing responses.

"You were supposed to dress up with me," Emma pouted, eyeing Regina in a short slinky striped dress and a fedora with her usual heels.

"I AM dressed up," Regina huffed. The blonde looked her up and down, "You look like…..a thug in a cocktail dress," Emma said, finding no other words to describe the brunette.

"I'm a gangster," Regina defended, "But when you put it _that_ way…" she trailed off, looking at Emma uncertainty. "Wait, what are _you_?" she shot back, taking in the blonde who appeared to be wearing a black dress, ears and a backwards K crookedly bedazzled on her skin centered between her collar bones.

Emma leapt at the opportunity with, "I'm a mouse, DUH!" and pointed to her ears sassily.

"I don't get it," Regina said flatly.

"KAREN? NO?" Emma threw up her hands in frustration that her wife didn't understand. They eyed each other's poor taste in costume choice.

"Let's face it, our costumes suck," Emma said and Regina nodded, "Are you sure you didn't want to go as a silly couple's costume or something?"

"How silly?" Regina said, knowing Emma was down playing the word.

"Oh, I think you'll like my idea," Emma whispered it into the brunette's ear who smirked and magicked them into the appropriately simple attire.

Emma wore a short green, yellow and blue striped dress and Regina was in an all black cocktail dress with stockings and heels.

"Aww man, but_ I_ wanted to be the _thing,_" Regina's wife whined.

"Hush, you," she chastised, "You'll get your turn at the end of the night."

"Oh, willI?" she said impishly, and Regina kissed her cheek in answer, leaving a bright red lipstick mark.

"Alright, well, Henry didn't want his Moms embarrassing him, so what are we doing?" Emma asked.

"What? I thought you made plans," Regina looked at her.

"Me? Since when am I the responsible one?" Emma shot back, thinking aloud she said, "I suppose we could venture down to the White Rabbit. I heard there was something going on down there tonight." Regina shrugged. "Sounds like a plan then, babe," the blonde replied, linking her arm through hers.

* * *

They had wandered into the White Rabbit hoping for anything really, but apparently it was just the same old regulars that were here every Thursday night. It seems like a few others in various costumes had had the same line of thought as them though.

"Hey guys!" a voice chimed in next to them at the bar. The Mills took in the honey brunette's attire along with her clear eyes. Her hair was teased and she was wearing a black leather jacket over a pink halter top along with leggings and heels.

"Are youuuu…?" Emma stalled trying to think of something; anything, "…Sandy from Grease?"

"Who?" her musical voice asked, then she shrugged as she beamed and said, "I'm Lacey!" Regina and Emma shared a glance.

"No….?" Regina slowly said, as if talking to a four year old Henry, "Honey, you're Belle right now."

"Well yes, but my _costume. _I went as Lacey!" she said brightly.

Emma facepalmed hard, "Does _everybody's_ costume this year suck major -"

"It's great, dear," Regina quickly covered and Belle smiled sweetly.

"So, what are you guys?" Belle asked after staring at their get up for a few moments.

"Jesus it's about-

"Yeeaaah?," a drunken Jesus from a few seats over called out, hearing his name. Emma paused to stare at the dude in a sandy wig turned halfway around and a sly smile appeared before Regina could see the light bulb dim and then click back on above her wife's head.

"JESUS! Oh Jesus, it's awful and we need your help!" Drunk-Jesus's eyes grew wide as she continued, turning up the hysterics, "You need to turn the wine back! My drink," she said grabbing the nearest stranger's drink in hand, "—its water again!"

Drizzy-Jesus stared incredulously at Emma's stolen vodka with wide eyes, motioned to get off of the stool he was sitting on, got his foot caught in its leg, and promptly fell face down on the ground. Emma burst out laughing and bent down to see if Drizzy-J was alright, picking up the fallen wig with an index and thumb, only to toss it back down atop the passed out Grumpy.

"Anyway," Emma continued as if nothing happened, "It's about time you asked. Wifey-?"

Regina slithered closer to the blonde and groped a handful of Emma's chest, where the green stripe ran across her with a black gloved hand. Emma smiled and said, "Geddit?"

"Um… you guys, I'm still here," Belle said awkwardly, looking around the room to avoid their PDA.

"No, yeah, but you see—" Emma started just as Belle recognized someone.

"Jefferson!" Belle called from across the room. He looked more confused than usual and stopped talking to a blonde who was clearly trying to get away from the conversation.

"Over here!" Belle waved. Seeing her clearly, Jefferson skipped over and pulled the blonde with him who resisted until she saw who else Belle was with.

"-Is this guys hey" Jefferson tried to introduce the blonde, but suddenly the room erupted with squeals of delight from Regina.

"MALIFICENT?"

"REGINA?" The two women joined into a squealing embrace and Emma's eye twitched at the display of affection.

"Who's-?" Emma tried to interject. Regina pulled away from Maleficent and was caught slightly off guard.

"Oh. Emma, right, this is my ex…college roommate of sorts, I suppose." The _Other _Blonde winked at the title. Emma looked between the two of them.

"Did you two fuc—oof!" Belle elbowed Emma hard in the ribs. "Nice to meet you. I'm Belle, and I guess you've already met Jefferson." She said politely.

"Yeah, no clue what the fuck that ass clown was trying to tell me, Maleficent said. Jefferson grinned at the insult. "Or what the fuck he _is_ either," she added.

They all took a look at what he was wearing. Jefferson wore regular jeans as pants, but for a top, he wore nothing but a bra stuffed with everything from pepper shakers to powdered garlic in various small containers and shakers.

"What the….?" Confusion commandeered every expression, "What are you?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Belle started laughing hysterically, "He's a _spice rack!" _

There was a moment of silence before the entire room joined into a collective, "Ohhhhhhhhhhh."

"Well I don't know if that's really clever or really idiotic," Regina added in compliment and they all pondered the thought. Maleficent pointed to Regina, " Why didn't you dress up?"

"_WE_ _are_ dressed up," Emma interrupted to throw an arm around her Mayor's waist. Maleficent looked surprised at the gesture, "Oh. Okay then, what are you two?" she asked. Emma's smirk grew exponentially and Regina seemed to pinken ever so slightly.

"Go on," Emma goaded as she turned around, "Left hand yellow." Regina buried her black glove in a catch full of Emma's ass, where the dress was striped golden.

Emma's face lost a bit of its smugness when Maleficent chuckled and said, "A twister spinner, fantastic. Most people go as the mat."

"Emma's idea," Regina said fondly. Emma grinned and with her left ring finger as the only digit up, she slowly wiped underneath her eye with a smirk and watched Maleficent's eyes travel down to Regina's own hand with an ill-concealed frown.

"I think—bathroom?" Belle asked Regina, not waiting for a response and dragging her away from Emma unexpectedly. As soon as they were out of earshot, "You know what I love most about Halloween?" Maleficent asked Emma. "Bobbing for _apples,_" she said and downright leered at Regina's back, still being dragged off by Belle. Before Emma could smack a witch, "Tension!" Jefferson interrupted and pointed between the two blondes.

"Get lost, ass muffin," Maleficent said. Jefferson looked behind him as if he was unsure who she was talking to. Soon enough Belle and Regina appeared from the bathroom and she raced over with Regina in tow again.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS CHICK JUST TOLD ME?!" Belle nearly screamed to the three of them who were stunned into silence at her outburst.

"REGINA'S NEVER BEEN TRICK OR TREATING!" she yelled again. Then quieter to herself she tried out the words again, "Trick or treated? Trick or Trot? Past tense of treat? I'll look that up later." She went back to screaming, "BUT YOU GUYS WE NEED TO TAKE HER!" she squealed in delight.

"Sure, I'll take her," Maleficent started, "Except I'm pretty sure no one would give us anything since we aren't kids anymore…" then trailed off.

"She's got a point there I suppose," Belle said a little disappointed.

"Gina, I think this qualifies as a super important reason to use your magic, yes or yes?" Emma was nearly bouncing off her feet awaiting her answer.

Regina barely asked, "Is it that important, if —" before she was interrupted with a unanimous, "YES!"

"Let's do this outside then," she caved and Emma pumped her fist in the air with an excited, "YESSS!"

"Okay, this spell will last only until midnight, as that's the longest I can keep it going with five of us, so that's only like two hours," Regina explained as they were all outside now. Then Maleficent proposed an idea, "What if we made this even better? How about we spilt up? We'll actually bag a lot more candy that way and we can see who can get the _most_." Not about to back down from a challenge, Emma immediately said, "I'm in."

"We can meet back under the clock tower in two hours then," Regina said. The group nodded their agreement to their new game and time.

"WAIT!" Emma yelled, throwing her arms out, "Who's with who?"

"DIBS REGINA" Belle shouted at the same time Jefferson shouted, "BELLE DIBS!"

Regina and Belle looked rather pleased with themselves at being chosen so quickly while Emma was horrified at the only two who weren't 'dibs-ed.'

"What! No! That's not fair!" Emma shouted staring at her already taken Regina.

"Dibs the respect," the mad hatter said seriously. Belle nodded her consensus just as seriously, "What he said: respect the dibs, Emma. So that makes it Me, Regina and Jeff, and then you and Maleficent." They blondes glared at each other, but said nothing. They would have two hours to say what was on their minds. Regina then summoned her magic and passed her hand over each of their faces, and they were all suddenly staring into the younger thirteen year old versions of each other.

Jefferson was the first to speak, "Damn!" Everyone looked at who he was staring at. Maleficent was absolutely gorgeous. She was one of those girls who bloomed _really_ early. Emma's mouth dropped completely open and gaped like a fish. Well, whatever had happened between Regina and her, Emma couldn't help but think that her wife had excellent taste.

Emma suddenly remembered what she looked like when she was thirteen years old, and became extremely self-conscious since she was tall and gawky as a kid. She looked down at her feet and felt something slide down her nose. Her thick rimmed black glasses. Emma pushed them up with the back of her hand to look up and see a thirteen year old Regina staring intensely at her. Emma was absolutely amazed at her young lover, as she still looked completely beautiful to her with her hair braided. Regina surged forwards to attack Emma into a passionate kiss, having only eyes for the awkward teen.

"Oi!" A honey brunette shouted at the couple, "Obviously we're all still the same, so you can stop acting like you two've been reunited from the fuckin' titanic."

Emma broke their kiss with a hearty laugh while Regina groaned. The magic must've messed with Belle's _condition _so Regina'd be stuck with _Lacey_ for two hours. Great. As they broke apart, they weren't surprised at all to find that Jeff and Lacey looked exactly the same as they both matched in their dishevelment.

"Two hours," the wicked hot Maleficent stated, "For the most candy; Team Blondie Bits versus….." she trailed off until someone offered the other team's name.

"Has it been two hours yet?" Regina muttered eyeing her new team member.

"—Versus Team Has It Been Two Hours Yet!" Maleficent shouted, "One, two, three, GO!" Each team went separate ways with Regina blowing a glasses clad Emma a kiss as they parted.

* * *

**Team Has It Been Two Hours Yet**

"Let's rock this bitch, my cronies!" Lacey said as she pulled a cig out from her jacket pocket, "Anyone got a light?" Regina rolled her eyes and Jefferson shook his head, "Sorry nope." They reached the first house from the White Rabbit's parking lot and Regina slowed.

"So, how does this work?" Regina asked.

"How does what work?" Lacey said.

"Treat or trick means she," a crazed Jefferson supplied.

"_Belle_ was supposed to take me," Regina said as they stopped walking. Lacey rolled her eyes, "Yeah, she would, wouldn't she. Listen, I don't do that shit. You can try it, but you ain't gunna get so far," she said. "Watch." All three of them walked their way up to the nearest front door.

"All you do is ring the doorbell and say 'trick or treat'," Lacey instructed, leaning on the house's column on the porch.

"That's it?" Regina asked and looked to Jeff for confirmation, which he nodded. She shrugged and rang the doorbell. _Ding Dong._ The door opened to an elderly couple who waited with raised eyebrows passing back and forth between them.

"Trick or…treat?" Regina said meekly while Jefferson nearly screamed, "TREAT OR TRICK!" The older couple gave them one snickers candy with a frown and quickly shut the door.

"That was it? That's what this whole thing is about?" Regina sneered while holding the single mini bar.

"DIBS!" Jeff shouted, snatching it out of her hand and shoving it into his mouth.

"Obey the dibs," Lacey nodded and held up the three finger salute from The Hunger Games.

"THAT WAS SO STUPID," Regina scoffed.

"Yep. See? Not that great. Although it probably would've helped if you made us younger and…" her eyes briefly scanned the brunette's length, "If any of us were actually wearing costumes."

"I AM wear—" Regina looked down at herself. Without Emma, her costume didn't work, she was clad only in black. Lacey was supposed to be dressed as Lacey, but really, she was just Lacey. Regina could only imagine what the fuck the elder couple thought of the teenage boy wearing a bra stuffed with kitchen ware. She marveled at how the older couple didn't slam the door shut sooner, actually.

"So you know what Halloween is _really_ about?" Lacey raised an eyebrow.

"Not this shit, apparently," Regina huffed with her arms crossed.

"Prankssss!" Jefferson hissed. Lacey's eyes grew wide, "My main man, here, yes!" she said throwing her arms around both of their shoulders as she walked between them away from the house, "Tricks!"

"Reggie!" she turned her attention to the brunette.

"Don't call me that," Regina snubbed.

"Reg?" she tried and then relented, "Okay, _Regina_, how bout you magic us some eggs and toilet paper? I think we'll go traditional for your first time," she winked.

"It's too difficult to summon magic while a spell is already in place. I basically can't do any more of it until the first spell wears off," she sheepishly admitted.

"No biggie, so we'll just have to _find _some supplies," Lacey said with a mischievous grin.

* * *

**Team Blondie Bits**

Emma stormed behind Maleficent, who drew second takes from everyone they passed until they reached the first house's sidewalk.

"Hold up," Emma grabbed the back of Maleficent's collar, "How are we going to win this? You're not even dressed up," she accused.

"Um excuse you, you ho bandit, if you couldn't tell," she countered, "I'm fabulous. Obviously." Emma repressed the urge to smack a witch once more. She sighed.

"Listen up," Emma began, "I get it. You don't like me and I don't like you. FINE. And your plan to pair up with Regina was a gross miscalculation, obviously. But," She held up one finger, "I can tell you don't like to lose, and let me tell you something, Regina wins _everything_," she emphasized. Emma crouched closer in a conspiratorial huddle, "So what's the game plan?"

As if acknowledging their war could continue after they won this battle together, The Other Blonde joined Emma's huddle in the middle of the walkway. "We can't just go door to door, not without any costumes," she said as they glanced at each other's clothes. Maley in a purple dress and Emma in a tri-colored one.

"If we're gunna do this," she locked eyes with Emma, "We're gunna have to get dirty."

"Affirmative," Emma said seriously with a nod.

"You take the left, and I'll take the right end at the street," she said, "Don't let any kid pass without paying you a fee."

"Fifteen percent." Emma said, way ahead of her.

"Make it twenty if you can," she answered back, "Oh, and I suppose we gotta swipe some kid's bag to carry it all in, huh?"

"Yeah, sure," Emma called back, already heading off in her own direction. The blonde had to admit she felt kinda bad about swiping a kid's jack'o lantern pail as the little mummy set it down to re-tie itself.

Their game plan didn't last long, cuz soon enough, Emma started noticing kids passing her from the other way with completely full candy bags and pails. The kids she had been sending pass her had given the 'street tariff' she'd demanded and had considerably lighter buckets. Emma whipped her head around to see if she could see the witch at the end of the street. Nothing. Fuming she made her way back to where they split up in front of a house with a party going on.

"Oh no she di'n't" Emma seethed. She stormed into the house party, past a bunch of partying high schoolers, and sure enough she found Maleficent lounging on the couch eating a slice of pie.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Emma yelled at her with anger boiling over, "Making me do all the work, I thought we had a deal or something!" Maleficent blinked slowly at the fuming blonde in front of her. She flicked her tongue out and slowly and brought the filling from the slice of pie that was gushing from its side a few centimeters from her mouth. Emma's eyes narrowed as a quiet fury overtook her—_apple pie._

"Don't. You. Darrrrree." Emma growled deep in her throat. The room had started to accumulate a few bystanders that were now watching them.

"YOOO, BRO, whud I miss?" one guy came in with a couple beers before another silenced him with a finger motion pointing between the two blondes, "TENSION," he practically whispered with wide eyes.

Maleficent smiled wickedly and rammed her tongue against the gush of the apple pie filling and moaned. Another frat boy gasped loudly and clutched his pearls. Emma nodded her head up and down and paced, while she rubbed her chin with her hand, taking in Maleficent's action. The room was silent, and even the music from the party had stopped. Emma exploded.

"THAT'S MY FUCKING WIFE YOUR CUNTIN' ASS-BAT MOUTH IS LICKING, YOU SKEETIN' MOTHER FUCKING SKANK JIZZED TWAT WAFFLE!" Emma screamed furiously as she launched herself straight at Maleficent, knocking over the coffee table full of munchies. The crowd around them absolutely exploded into hollers and cheers.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" someone yelled long and loud. Maleficent threw the leftover apple pie at Emma as she came at her, getting it all mashed into her hair.

"FFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD D FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH HHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" the same guy instantly corrected, drawing a whole bunch more people into the room, who started throwing their beers and pizza slices at everyone around them.

The music started back up and some genius had filled the room with the song, "and everybody was kung-fu fiiightiiingg" which made all the high schoolers and frat boys start throwing more food and ninja wrestling each other.

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE," Maleficent yelled angrily as they both pegged with gummy bears. Emma was fiercely pulling at Maleficent's hair, while getting slapped in the face, rolling around on the floor, and hearing the table crack as she suddenly pinned Maleficent on it. Glancing down Emma saw the abandoned pie sitting on the floor.

"YOU WANT TO EAT APPLE PIE, IM GUNNA GIVE YOUR FACE SOME MOTHER FUCKING APPLE PIE!" Emma yelled, grabbing a fistful of it and trying to smother it into The Other Blonde's face while trying to hold her down with one scrawny arm at the same time. The pie missed and barely splattered across Maleficent, who licked it off where her tongue could reach it.

"MMMM TASTE JUST LIKE HER," The Other Blonde yelled crazily, _still_ egging Emma on.

Suddenly, along with the ridiculous music, Emma's vision started to fade into a single point and she blacked out with Maleficent's laughter ringing in her ears.

* * *

**Team Has It Been Two Hours Yet**

And when she said _find _some supply, Lacey meant break in and take it. Regina was getting nervous as she stood outside by the window Lacey had bashed in. The brunette was watching Jeff like a hawk who was in front of the house who was supposed to cause a scene if anyone came close. It would be her queue to call to Lacey to book it. After what felt like hours, Lacey finally appeared with her arms completely full of items and shimmied out of the window, shoving the stuff at Regina.

"That house was a dream," Lacey said airily, looking over her swag. Jefferson had wandered back over to them and his mouth hung open at what he saw. There were packages of toilet paper, silly string, a carton of eggs, duct tape, and huge bag of glitter.

"By the tightness of Thor's ass," Regina swore in whispered awe at Lacey's pillage.

"AND there just so happened to be the most fantastic yard to your left," Lacey said and added arrogantly, "You can thank me later for this." Jefferson and Regina both turned to see the most beautifully over limbed trees standing exquisitely tall in the yard just next door.

"Let's do this," Regina said, feeling the rush of adrenaline take over her mind. She quietly rationalized it as getting even for not being able to trick or treat properly, but that was neither here nor there, as they ripped apart the packaging on the toilet paper.

"You gotta put your arm into it, for sure," Lacey coached Regina as Jefferson went crazy throwing the rolls every which way and sometimes straight into the ground with laughter. Regina tossed hers up and it caught on a low hanging branch and unraveled until it hit the ground.

"It's so pretty," Regina twirled underneath the streams of white.

"Again!" Jefferson sing-songed, skipping a linked arm into hers and Regina whooped at the utter destruction they were causing. Next came the brightly colored silly string that got tangled every which way within the white streams of toilet paper. They played tag in the yard spraying each other until their cans ran dry.

"For tape duct the what's?" Jefferson asked.

"Hmm. I don't really know, but it seemed like a good idea to take it," Lacey confessed.

"We could tape the empty rolls to things?" Regina offered with an impish smile and a high voice.

"Perfect!" Jefferson fist bumped her and high fived Lacey. They duct taped the empty rolls around tree trunks, to the car parked in the driveway, on the garage door, over the peephole on the front door, every annoying place they could think of until they ran out of empty rolls. They reconvened back at the stash of loot.

"Hmmm… glitter and eggs left," Lacey contemplated before snapping her fingers. "Got it! The glitter will stick to the egg yolk on the house, it's perfect! Here." She shoved the bag of glitter into Regina's arms while her and Jeff started chucking eggs at the house, angry cracks piercing the air.

"I wanna throw one!" Regina almost whined.

"Here," Jefferson palmed two of them into her hand as she side held the glitter with the other. She let one fly and it missed the house and hit the porch floor instead. Jefferson bent over in manic laughter at her and screamed, "House a missed fucking she!" Lacey joined in the laughter and Regina felt anger start to bubble up as she furiously chucked her last egg at the house as hard as she could. It hit the sole lantern hanging by the porch and knocked and crashed it to the ground in a tingle of glass.

"Nice one," Lacey commented and Regina let slip a smug smile that quickly receded as a small flame started to flicker to life. "Uh-oh," Regina paled and the other two launched their last eggs.

"Maybe we'll skip the glittered part this time," Lacey said nervously as they watched the flame stay constant flickering in the wind. Suddenly a light came on and the door to the house whipped open and crashed into the side with a loud bang! Lacey and Jefferson both gasped in pure terror while Regina didn't recognize who it was.

"OH SHIT," Lacey screamed, "IT'S OLD MAN RUMPLE!" The decrepit man quickly snuffed out the small flame with his boot and reached to the side of the door to tie his hair back with a red bandana and pulled out a semi-auto paint ball gun.

"GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU GOD DAMN MEDDLING KIDS!" Old Man Rumple shouted. Lacey ran into Jefferson who crashed into Regina who was frozen to the spot as he started shooting at them and yelling obscenities about his trashed yard.

"RUN, BITCH, RUN!" Jefferson bellowed at the brunette and followed her as paintballs hit them at random intervals. Regina cried out at one, six, four of them smacked her until one perfectly placed paintball burst through the topmost part of the bag of glitter she was still carrying in her arms. It burst and the bag fell apart in her arms as glitter went _everywhere._

"AW FUCK!" she roared as it trailed behind her.

"EYES MY EYES MY—" Jefferson screamed, who was directly behind Regina who finally dropped the god damn bag of glitter she was running with. He started clawing at the bits invading his vision. Lacey took note and quickly hid her face in the crook of her elbow and ran blindly with a hand hooked onto the back of his bra strap. The glitter began sticking to the wet paint on all three of them from Old Man Rumple's paint ball gun, but they didn't dare stop.

"WOOOOOOOOO! BEST HALLOWEEN EVAAAARRRRR!" Lacey screamed out as they flew past houses till they ran out of range and turned the corner of the street.

* * *

**Team Blondie Bits**

Emma groggily awoke and rubbed her head, "What happened?" she said thickly.

"Oh you know," Maleficent answered her casually, "You were trying to kill me via apple pie to the face before you passed out." She paused, "from anger, I'll assume," she said with an amused smile. Recognition flashed in Emma's eyes as they flew open," You!" she accused and meant to choke her out again, but found herself restrained. Emma looked down to find that she was roped together with a bright ugly orange extension cord and sitting against a wall not far from where she passed out.

"What the-?" Emma began.

"Just a precaution," Maleficent said mildly. "So listen up. I heard what you were saying earlier about winning this thing," she said, "So check this out." She wheeled out a bright red wagon from the kitchen and set it before Emma. It was completely overflowing with every chocolate imaginable.

"What theeeeee-?" Emma stuttered out again, her eyes expanding in disbelief.

"While you were busy staying out of my way, piss wit, I bet these...older boys here," she used the term relative to the age they appeared to be, and implied her hotness over Emma's awkwardness, "that I could promise them a fight in exchange. They so kindly offered the candy from the entire block if it involved either jello or water," she said. "While I _did_ originally say no to that, it did kind of get out of hand," she mused. Emma looked around the room to find that it was covered in food stains, broken picture frames and injured furniture. The surprisingly undamaged grandfather clock chimed 11:45.

"Shall we get back, then?" Maleficent considered the tied up Emma, who grudgingly nodded, seeing the time.

"Do you mind?" Emma asked trying to move her arms. The Other Blonde snapped her fingers and a pack of young men moved to untie Emma.

As soon as she was untied Emma backhanded Maleficent with a hard slap and screamed, "THAT'S FOR TYING ME UP!" She pushed The Other Blonde out of her way and grabbed the wagon overfilled with treats. "Now we're even," Emma said. Maleficent had a hand to her face and covered her smirk.

"You gunna help me with this or what, princess?" Emma jibbed motioning to the wagon that was losing its treasure as she pulled it. Maleficent followed and kept her distance from the teen with pie smudges on her glasses.

"Kids and their candy these days, jeeze," a frat boy commented as everyone slowly went back to what they had been doing before the smoking hot blonde had overtaken their party.

The two blondes took the path back at a leisurely pace, wheeling the wagon of candy. The clock tower soon came into view and they were the first ones to arrive. At 11:58 the other crew came jogging around the corner in hysterics.

They soon all met up with each other and Emma started laughing at their appearance. All three of them were covered head to toe in glitter and paint splotches. Regina and company laughed just as hard at Emma's appearance. Confused, Emma consulted Maleficent who plucked a twizzler from Emma's tangled hair. While Maleficent had done her best to appear clean, on closer inspection, Emma noticed she still had dried bits of apple pie smeared along her cheek. They were both still coated with food and thrown munchies from their fight.

The clock struck midnight and nothing quite so magical happened, they simply just appeared older from one blink to the next. Lacey's eye started to twitch but she didn't switch over at the spell's removal. After recounts of their adventures, they granted Maleficent Queen of Halloween, split the candy five ways and took their separate ways home.

Emma and Regina made it to 108 Mifflin's bedroom after checking that Henry had already returned from his night out with his friends. Regina splayed out on the bed, after stripping herself of her all black costume.

"You know I was severely disappointed nobody noticed that I was missing a color on my dress," Emma said, running her hands over her blue, green, and yellow striped dress to seductively lift it to reveal a fantastically red thong underneath.

"Right hand red," she said and soon the bed was a mix of snacks, glitter, paint, and candy pieces.

* * *

**A/N:** I had so much fun writing this one. love it? hate it? laugh? thoughts? comments? fav. lines? PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. Thanksgiving Bet

"So why aren't you two having your Thanksgiving with your in-laws?" Granny asked Regina as she stood against the entrance to their kitchen. Regina rolled her eyes.

"The Charmings? You've got to be kidding me," she said in mild disgust.

"I would've thought you would be on better terms with them by now." Granny had a reminiscent look in her eye when she said, "My mother in law was an angel."

"Yes, well, you were lucky. Mine's still alive," Regina deadpanned. Granny chuckled and started to help clear the plates from the table.

This year the Swan-Mills had agreed to host their own Thanksgiving dinner, choosing to opt out of all the dwarves' company at Snow's. On Emma's insistence, they had also invited the misfits of Granny, Ruby, and Belle to join them.

"Belle, dear, did you want to make a plate to take back to your roomie?" Regina called to the living room as she began putting away the leftovers. "There's still plenty of food."

Belle carefully walked over to the kitchen, deliberately putting one foot in front of the other in a wobbly fashion.

"Thanks, but no, Hook's having his own holiday with some of the lost boys back on his ship," Belle declined. Ruby sauntered over and linked an arm through Belle's.

"More wine?" she asked the honey brunette who shook her head. "She's such a lightweight," Ruby giggled and took a long swig straight from the bottle in her hand.

"FOUND IT!" Henry shouted from the living room. "Channel eight, on the ocho!"

"Already?" Granny asked, her demeanor instantly morphing into one of excitement.

"EMMAAAAAA, THE GAME'S ONNNN!" Henry shouted louder and towards the ceiling.

Regina rolled her eyes, as she heard her wife's footsteps thud around above them, obviously running back and forth, heavy as an elephant. Soon enough she appeared at the top of the stairs and slid down the railing.

"Ohhhh yeeeah! Game time!" she said excitedly and fixed her hat.

"You look ridiculous," Regina said. Besides the slice of cheese on her head, she was fully decked out in a rainbow colored jersey, complete with a matching pom-pom.

"Go, Unicorns, go!" she smiled stupidly and pumped her pom-pommed fist in the air. Granny raised her eyebrows to her hairline and peered at her over her glasses.

"_Unicorns?_" she said in astonishment.

"Tha's my team!" the blonde answered proudly and pointed to her get up.

"Ooooh gurrrrl, I don't think so," Ruby said. "We're a Dragons kind of family." Emma let out a high pitched scream of a gasp as Granny unzipped her jacket. Underneath she revealed that she was wearing a black and red Dragons jersey with the number 87 on it.

"Son, this just got serious," Granny said.

"It's starting! It's starting!" Henry called and they all rushed over.

Belle turned to Regina and asked, "What just happened?"

"Just a silly football game. It's Unicorns versus Dragons," she answered the puzzled brunette.

"Think I'll help you instead," she said, hearing the commotion from the other room. After cleaning up all the leftovers and such, Regina and Belle stayed in the kitchen happily ignoring the game. The shouts and cheers continued on until half time came around. Then things got really heated from the other room as the noise hit a crescendo.

"YOU'RE CHEATERS, THE LOT OF YA!"

"YOU'RE JUST A SORE LOSER!"

"MY TEAM GOT YOU FAIR AND SQUARE!"

"WE'RE GUNNA WIN THIS!"

"MY TEAM'S AHEAD!"

"WE'RE TIED, YOU DINGBAT!"

Henry and Ruby watched the exchange with amusement as they flipped through the shopping ads for Black Friday.

"You wanna make this more interesting?" Emma said haughtily.

"You name it," Granny sneered.

"I propose a bet!" Emma said, throwing a single finger up.

"You're on," Granny immediately took the bait. "What are the stakes?"

"Hmmm…" the blonde said, looking around the room for inspiration for a moment. "Got it," she said, snapping her fingers. "Anything in the ad from the super center," she said, yanking it out of Henry's hands.

"Hey," he whined then mumbled, "I wasn't done."

The super center was Storybrooke's largest shopping store that had everything from food, to clothes, to electronics to toys; it had everything.

"I've had my eye on that new espresso machine that just came out," Granny said, rubbing her chin. "It would be great for the diner. It could even bring in a little more business too, now that I think of it."

"Ooh yeah," Ruby interjected, "I can't wait to get that either, I want one so bad!"

"Oh you mean the one I just so happen to already have on hold at the super center to get it at the amazing price of $99?" Emma said smugly. She whipped out her advanced ticket to retrieve it during the holiday shopping chaos.

"You don't say," Granny said, snatching the ticket out of Emma's hand.

"Hey!" she complained. Granny threw her arm out to keep the blonde at a distance while she read the ticket.

"It's settled then," Granny stated.

"Huh?" Emma said.

"I get _your _ticket to the espresso machine if the Dragons win. If your Unicorns pull through, it's all yours. Do we have an accord?" Granny said. She shared a brief look with Ruby and thrust her hand out to Emma. It was then her turn to share a look with Henry, whose eyes had grown wide. Emma bit her lip in indecision.

"What, you scared of a little bet?" Ruby taunted. "Too…chicken?" Granny slowly bent her arms up and folded them under her armpits.

"Bawk…..Bawk….bakawk," she said as an even and low threat, eyes challenging the blonde. Ruby joined in on the chicken torment and Emma couldn't stand the ridicule a second longer.

"DEAL!" she angrily yelled and threw out her hand to shake on it.

"EMMA, SWERVE!" Henry yelled too late. Each of them squeezed each other's hand as hard as they possibly could. Emma covered a yelp from Granny's vise with a forced cough.

"Henry? Is everything alright?" Regina raised her voice from the kitchen and her heels clicked to the living room, with Belle in tow.

"Shit," the blonde whispered, her face paling, as her wife walked in. When Regina entered, the room froze and everyone went silent, and the only noise was the blare of the halftime show on the TV.

"What's going on?" Regina asked suddenly suspicious. Ruby nudged Granny and smiled. Emma and Henry were having a silent conversation with raised and furrowed eyebrows before Henry gave in to his Mom's penetrating stare.

"EMMABETYOURNEWESSPRESSOMACHINETHATTHEUNICORNSWILL WIN!"

"I DID NOT!"

"YOU DID SO!" he countered.

"What?" Regina said, still uncomprehending.

"Emma bet your new espresso machine that the unicorns will win!" Henry clarified, slower.

"YOU DID WHAT NOW?" Regina said angrily.

"No, babe, I can explain!" Emma tried to say.

"EMMALINA GERTRUDE SWAN-MILLS!" Regina shouted and Emma had the sense to flinch at the scolding.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooo," Henry and the two Lucas' drew out. Even Belle had her hands over her mouth with her eyes wide, watching the scene.

"I have had that machine back ordered for months! And now that it's finally here, you're going to lose it in one of your stupid bets!?" she chastised the blonde.

"No, I swear! We got this! The Unicorns will win!" Emma tried to persuade her just as halftime show finished and the game came back on. "Look, we're tied right now. Just…just sit and watch it with us, you'll see!" Emma could almost see the steam rising from Regina, but she pulled her towards the couch anyway.

"You'll see Emma lose your machine," Granny muttered to Ruby with a high five.

"Here I'll be right back," Emma said and disappeared. When she returned, she had a couple beers under her arm and passed them out to everyone.

"Sorry kid," she teased Henry and tossed him a Capri Sun. He shrugged and gladly popped in the straw.

As the game went on, Emma started to sweat at all the close calls. Regina got looser and infinitely more involved in the game's outcome now that her coffee maker was on the line. The room erupted in cheers and hollers as the Dragons scored a field goal, taking the lead over the Unicorns.

"OH COME ON!" Regina and Emma shouted, banging fists on the couch.

"YEAH DRAGONS!"

The room froze and even Granny and Ruby halted their celebration dance of wavy arms.

"What did you just say?" Emma said in a hoarse croak. It was the first time Henry had cheered throughout the entire game. Regina's mouth hung open as Emma turned to her, "YOU RAISED OUR KID AS A DRAGON!?" she exclaimed incredulously.

"EXCUSE ME?" Regina gasped at the accusation, "HE'S _YOUR_ SON!" she bit back and they stared at Henry in shock.

"I don't like unicorns," he shyly offered as an explanation to the utter betrayal. This was war with an espresso machine and Emma's ass on the line, rooting for the other team stung.

"I see how it is," Emma squinted her eyes at their son.

"Yeeeeeah, boiiii!" Ruby bumped fists with Henry and Granny pulled him over to sit on their side of the room.

"GROUNDED!" Regina sat straight up and pointed at Henry with Emma's rainbow pom-pom.

"For what!" Henry said in disbelief.

"FOR TILL EVER WEEK!" Regina sputtered.

"Ay, no worries," Ruby said as she took out her red lipstick. "You're on the winner's team, now!" Henry stuck out his tongue at Emma when Regina looked away and Emma grabbed her heart. Ruby drew a line on Henry just above each of his cheeks. She did her own and then passed the lipstick to Granny who did the same.

"Aww, how come we don't have face paint?" Emma whined to Regina.

Noticing the game clock, there was the last play of the game and the room erupted in hoots and boos. If the Unicorns scored a touchdown, they would win. Emma held her breath and grabbed Regina's hand in a clench. The ball soared all the way down the field in a last attempt. Seeing the play happen, the whole room stood up. A Unicorn was right under the ball and Emma started jumping up and down. Suddenly, a Dragon player pushed the Unicorn player out of the way, causing him to miss the catch as the ball hit the ground. The chaos stilled.

"Does it count?"

"He pushed him!"

"That's illegal!"

"Did the referee see it?"

"I don't think he did"

"He must have!"

Unable to control herself, Regina shrieked at the TV, "GET OFF YOUR KNEES, REF, YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!"

The deliberation went on for a few more moments before the screen danced with bright graphics: DRAGONS WIN!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Emma screamed as she dropped to her knees.

Granny snatched the reserve ticket from the table and started doing the worm, Ruby did the Roger Rabbit, and Henry did the Macarena. They all cheered for the Dragons while Regina was utterly silent. Emma avoided looking at Regina's face of doom as she futilely tried to re-define the bet's terms.

"Wait, wait, guys!" she tried.

"No takesie backsies!" Ruby sing songed. "Man, I can't wait to have my own latte maker in the diner."

"Rubes, I think the store is actually open tonight," Granny said, gathering her things, "I say we go collect our prize."

"I second that," Ruby said still laughing at Emma's implosion. "I don't want to be around when Emma gets her ass handed to her," she smirked, "…again." And just like that the Lucas' waltzed out the door with the reserve ticket in hand, still hooting and cackling.

As soon as the door slammed shut, Emma finally turned to face Regina, who she knew must be absolutely furious. She was still silent and with a heavy crease in her brow.

"Regina?" Emma said in a mouse like squeak. The brunette was frighteningly calm.

"Emma, dear," she said, and the blonde gulped. "You know what I hate the most, right?" Emma nodded cautiously. "And what would that be?" she prompted the blonde.

"Being a bottom?" she offered. Regina smacked her shoulder.

"A bottom?" Henry asked in confusion and looked to his brunette mother, "Wha—"

"When people take _my_ things from me without my permission," she said tersely. "YOU are going to get my machine back, and I don't care how you do it."

"But Mom, they won it fair and square," Henry said.

"Henry," Regina said tightly, "You're going to stay here. Belle will look after—" she finally turned her attention to the brunette who was asleep on the armchair—possibly passed out. Regina cleared her throat, "You're going to stay here. You will look after Belle," she amended.

"You know what they say," Emma said with a shrug as she tapped her foot against Belle's, "wine before beer, you'll start to feel queer."

Regina sighed heavily and grabbed her keys, along with the blonde idiot standing in her living room.

"We'll be back. Be good, and don't answer the door for strangers," Regina said and kissed the top his head.

"Unless they have candy," Emma added and gained herself another smack to her arm. "Ow, I was just kidding," she quibbled to the brunette.

"Let's go."

They got into Emma's deathtrap of a bug with Regina in the passenger seat. Emma instantly floored it to try and catch up to Granny and Ruby who had already gotten a head start on them.

"Alright, operation rescue Joe is a go," Emma said rubbing her hands over the steering wheel.

"Joe?" Regina asked.

"Coffee? Cuppa' Joe?" she paused, "These are the jokes, babe," Emma said.

"Look! There they are!" Regina pointed out.

Up ahead was Granny on her motorcycle with her leather jacket on and Ruby on the back, hair flapping in the wind. Emma pulled up next to them in her bug.

"Guys?" Ruby shouted over the wind in confusion.

"You're not getting that machine!" Emma hollered back, girl.

"We won it! You'll have to take it from us!" Ruby yelled back with a smirk.

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" Regina leaned over and answered for the blonde. With that, Granny revved her engine and took off, swerving dangerously around a slow moving car in the single lane. Ruby flipped them the bird as they took off.

Emma slammed the brakes just in time, recognizing the car and yelling in frustration, "GOD DAMNIT! NOT NOW, OLD MAN RUMPLE!"

"For god sake at least honk!" Regina huffed impatiently.

"What? No. He obviously knows we're behind him, I already flashed my lights at him."

"Just do it!" Regina said, starting to reach over to do it for her.

"No!" Emma retorted, slapping her hands away from the steering wheel. Regina increased her efforts to two hands, flailing about over the steering wheel for the horn.

"No, I'm driving!" Emma argued just as childishly as Regina was being, causing the bug to lurch side to side as she cat slapped Regina's hands away.

"I've had this car for years," Emma yelped, "and I never had a wreck, so stop!" she pawed Regina away.

"You mean, you've have this wreck for years, and you never had a car," Regina sassed the blonde and snapped her fingers in a Z formation, quite pleased with herself. Emma rolled her eyes, and Regina took that moment to punch the horn with her fist, but her grin faltered when absolutely nothing happened.

"THIS SKANK MOBILE DOESN'T EVEN WORK!" Regina said incredulously.

"I told you I didn't need to honk," Emma grumbled. "Its opening up to two lanes anyways, up ahead."

"Lower the window," Regina demanded in her most regal tone with her head held high. "I'll make this serf have a heart attack for stalling a queen!"

Emma guffawed at her wife who started unbuttoning her pants.

"I love you," Emma called with hooded eyes over the wind from the open window as Old Man Rumple saw the sight of a full moon hanging out of the yellow bug and slammed his brakes with a screech.

"YEAH, TAKE A BITE OUTTA THAT CHEESEBURGER!" Emma assaulted him as they passed. Regina laughed and pulled her bum back inside, and Emma resumed flooring the shaky yellow deathtrap. When they reached the super center, Granny's motorcycle was already parked in a handicapped space.

"Alright, now that we're in here, I think we should split up so we can find them faster because this place is huge," Regina suggested.

"'Kay," Emma said, "I'll go this way," she pointed to the left and Regina nodded.

Emma shimmied her way through the overcrowded store. Black Friday shopping had already started and it was absolute chaos. The only aisles that seemed to be deserted were in the grocery section, so Emma took to that path to run down and check all the aisles she could see.

Getting winded and not finding the thugs with her swag, she slowed her pace and thought she recognized someone up ahead. It wasn't either of the Lucas'; it was a blonde with crimpled curls. Emma narrowed her eyes. The blonde, as if sensing the stink eye, looked up.

"Emma?" she came to a full stop.

"Maleficent," she stated back with a cool stare, trying to hide how hard she was breathing.

"I love the Thanksgiving sale, all the _pies_ go on clearance," she said as she picked up the last pie from the shelf in front of her with a slight smile. Emma's anger fireworked into a finale at her comment.

"NOT THIS FUCKING TIME, YOU DON'T! AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR YO SHIT RIGHT HERE, MALEFICENT!" Emma screamed into her face and viciously smacked the pie out of her hands where it fell top down to the floor with a comical splat.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, YOU SKEET QUICHE!" Maleficent yelled back.

"OH, OH, LEMME GUESS! WAS IT YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR?" Emma deigned, "WAS IT MY GODDAMN APPLE PIE AGAIN?"

"NO, YOU FUCK TWAT, IT WAS PUMPKIN!" she fumed angrily.

"ARE YOU GUNNA LICK—what?" Emma halted mid-sentence in her rant.

"I said it's pumpkin, you ass monster. The _Thanksgiving_ sale?" Maleficent bent to turn the pie right side up to see the damage. It was completely ruined and Emma was apparently still processing what just happened.

"Ooohhh shiiiiit," she said, "You're serious, aren't you?"

"The fuck wouldn't I be, hepatitis hobbit!" she retaliated.

"Okay, that one wasn't even a real insult," Emma said placing a hand on her hip and jutting it out. Maleficent narrowed her eyes.

"Get out of here before I throw this at you again," she hissed then added, "…cum clown."

Emma put her hands up, "Alright, alright, I'm going." She started to take off again and then backtracked for a second. "I owe you one, a pie."

She took to jogging down the next couple of aisles and Emma took off at a dead run when she was sure she saw a whip of red and black hair with a cart. She turned the aisle's corner to see Ruby and Granny at the end, guarding their swag. They apparently had no trouble exchanging the reserve ticket for the actual espresso machine. Emma was still sprinting towards them and her brow furrowed when she saw them open up a bed spread at the end of the aisle.

"I FOUND YOU MOTHERRRRRFFFAAAAAHHHHHH!" Emma pin wheeled her arms as she slid clear down the aisle, losing her footing over an invisible wire and was launched into the air. The Lucas family was already waiting for her as she slammed into the bed spread and they quickly rolled her up like a taquito.

"WHAT THE—"

"Pam," Ruby said.

"huh? Who?" Emma said.

"Not, who, dear. _What._" Granny said smugly.

"Whaa?" Emma was lost.

"Pam. We knew you'd come after us, so we camped out and sprayed the floor with Pam, put fishing wire halfway down, and BAM! A Rolled up Swan, just for us!" Ruby's voice sang, clearly enjoying the blonde's struggle.

"Dayum." Emma had to admire how genius it had worked out as she struggled with her entrapment.

"One down, one to go," Granny said gruffly as she lit a cigar and took a deep inhale.

Emma took a huge inhale of breath as well, only to let out a banshee ear splitting wail of a scream, "RRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" It echoed throughout the entire super center. Ruby had her hands over her ears and panicked, "SHIT! SHE'S CALLING FOR MORE OF HER KIND!"

Granny sat down on top of the taquito'd blonde which caused her to grunt and cut Emma's cry off.

"And so we wait," Granny said intensely through a puff of smoke with narrowed eyes, still wearing her biker's jacket.

* * *

Regina had headed to the right and carefully looked down each aisle she passed, as she headed towards the back of the store. Up and down, left and right, she didn't see them anywhere. There's no way they had already checked out, the store was way too busy for that. Although with all the holiday chaos going on, a lot of things were going unnoticed.

Walking through the clothes section, she heard a strangled cry coming from the center of a circular rack. The overhead speaker came on.

"Available cashiers to the front," it echoed throughout the store. Regina saw a middle aged balding woman with a name tag start to shuffle to the front.

"Yeah, I bet you're available," Regina murmured, watching the employee leave.

"Available cashiers to the front," the overhead repeated a second time.

The muffled cry from the clothes rack panicked at the sound. Regina raised an eyebrow, wondering if it was a lost child. She pushed aside a portion of the clothes on the circular rack to find a fully grown man hiding in the center.

"Jefferson?" Regina said, honestly surprised.

"Voices, voices, voices," he was repeating as he rocked wack and borth with his head in his hands.

"Hey," she said a little louder and tapped his shoulder.

"FRIES MY ATE PORCUPINE!" he squealed in fright and his rocking increased.

"Them hear you do?" he briefly glanced at the brunette before returning to saying, "Voices, voices, voices."

The overhead came on once more, "Cancel, cashier." Jefferson shrieked and shut his eyes. Regina backed away quietly, and slowly, slowly, slowly closed the rack of clothes around him again.

"Psycho," she muttered as she continued on her way, surveying everyone with a cart. She could see the Christmas decorations already up, a row of fake trees just one away from her. All of a sudden she cringed at the sound of someone's voice.

"Snow," she growled and made her 'ugh' face. She was about to head in the opposite direction when inspiration struck. She wore a wicked grin as she feigned interest in items near people's carts that were surrounding Snow. She had her back turned an was examining the fake trees.

Sly as a fox, Regina filched a small item from each of the nearby shopper's carts, and deposited it into a different cart near Snow. She pretended to aimlessly browse in between each theft. Still hidden from Mary Margaret, Regina picked the closest shopper who was turned away and got their attention.

"Hey, I just saw that woman take something from your cart!" she exclaimed in her best concerned citizen voice.

"She did?" he asked, then looked through his items. "Hey, my watch is missing!" A few of the other shoppers overheard and proceeded to look through their own carts. A small chorus of 'heys' arose.

"I saw that woman over there," she pointed to the first guy with the missing watch, "take his gift and put it in a cart behind her."

Soon enough there was an angry mob of about six people headed straight for Snow. Regina reached into one of their abandoned carts to pull open some moose munch popcorn out of it's container as she watched it all come together.

"This is my design," she whispered into her candied kettle corn with an evil grin splitting her face.

Snow's concern instantly changed to fear as the crazy shoppers started to gang up on her. Snow clawed at the tree she was looking at to escape the attacking shoppers and crawled her way to the top. All the while trying to tell them that she didn't have their things. Regina chuckled at the fool, and nearly jumped out of her skin when a calm voice invaded her ear. She whipped her head around and instantly relaxed.

"Aren't you going to help?" Archie asked Regina as he gestured to a frightened Snow.

"I think they've got this, six is enough," she drawled out with a self-satisfied smirk. She was about to tell Archie what he could go do, but then Regina stalled. She could hear something faintly from the distance to the East, and her ears pricked up.

"RRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

She knew that pathetic cry. The brunette sighed deeply and shoved the rest of the half eaten moose munch into Archie's chest.

"Hold this," she said as she made her way over to the direction of her wife's lament. Regina was pretty bummed she wouldn't get to see how her little design ended.

She made her way through the dense crowds of shoppers towards the sound of her Emma. Something about it felt like a trap. Regina made her way around through the back aisles and came up suddenly behind Granny who was sitting on a rolled up rug and Ruby who looked like she was keeping watch.

They were both facing the other way, clearly waiting for Regina to come from the same way Emma must have. Regina zeroed in on the cart behind them. Her espresso machine! All in one piece still. She looked around her. The toy section was only two rows away.

Regina made to inch the cart away from behind them when a single inch made the cart absolutely shriek in a creaky protest. Two Lucas' heads whipped around.

"Fuck balls!" Regina said and took off at a run with Ruby on her tail and Granny not far behind.

"Fuck balls, fuck ball, fuck balls," Regina cursed and then saw it. "Balls, balls, balls!" she said happily. The brunette turned a sharp corner right next to the cage of bouncy balls that were two feet around in size. She kicked the cage open with her heel and out fell almost a hundred balls, bouncing uncontrollably, knocking everything from the shelves to the floor, and hurling Ruby into Granny, who groaned on impact.

"EMMA!" Regina called, running around and back to where she'd started, grabbing hold of the cart with her swag.

"EMMA! I'VE GOT IT!" she cried, hoping the blonde could hear her.

"Don't laugh," came the solid reply. Regina whipped her head around, trying to see her, having clearly heard her voice.

"Emma?"

"I've been taquito'd," the voice said glumly and low to the ground. Regina took a second to actually look at the lumps in what she thought was a rolled up rug. She walked around the front side of it to see her Emma shamefully rolled up.

"Don't—"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Regina burst into hard laughter, tears coming to her eyes as she bent over trying to catch her breath.

She eventually kicked Emma over to one side so she could unroll herself. The bedding had left patterned indentions on her skin where Granny's fat ass had sat on her to keep her in place.

"Okahh, ohhhk," Regina took a deep breath and coughed once, "Okay, I'm done," she said. Emma glared at her. "But look, now we've got it," she pointed to the cart. "Let's—" Regina tried not to give in to the giggles, "Let's go, babe." She lightened Emma's shameful mood with a quick peck on her cheek.

"Alright, let's make like a tree and leave," Emma relented.

Thinking they might've heard someone running down the next aisle, they picked up the pace to a full run, knocking people and displays over with their basket. All of a sudden an anvil falls from the ceiling in front of them.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" they both screeched and pulled back on each other to keep from crashing headlong into it.

Regina and Emma: *glare at the author*

Emma: The fuck does she think this is? A Looney tunes episode?!

Author: *starts deleting sentence*

Author: An anvil falls from th..

Author: An anvi..

Author:…

Author: Nothing.

Author: Nothing falls from the ceiling.

Regina: Fucking writers and their creative freedom…

Emma: Now where were we?

"MEEP MEEP, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Granny's coarse voice rang out.

Regina and Emma both looked up where nothing had fallen from the ceiling.

"How did they…?" Emma let her confusion hang in the air. Before them was a decked out Granny packing every sort of mega super soaker imaginable. Not far from her, Ruby was finishing tying up some water balloons and hefting them in her hand.

"Oh no," Emma whispered. They were done for, this was it. She still had so much to live for, she didn't want to die. Not here. Not now. She turned to her love, Regina, who wore the same defeated expression.

Granny took a drag of her cigar, blowing a haze of smoke out, and pumped her mega ultra-blast super soaker 9000 four times. "Any last words?"she said as she solidified her aim at the two of them.

"Where did you get sunglasses?" Emma blurted out without thinking and Granny paused.

"Aisle six, actually," Granny said lifting her cop like aviators. "I think the blue ones would look good on you."

"Are they—"

"TIME TO DIE!" Granny yelled as she pulled the trigger on her weapon.

Regina shrieked and Emma went to wrap her in a last embrace, but Regina ducked behind at the last second. Emma got completely drenched by the mega ultra-blast super soaker 9000. Surprise and complete shock radiated off of her, with her mouth hanging open at the brunette's treason.

When Granny finished her dark deed, Ruby tossed a single water balloon at Emma, who was still in shock.

"You…you…" she tried to tell a sheepish looking Regina, before detonating, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST FUCKING SACRIFICED ME! HOW COULD YOU!? I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END, AND YOU LET ME DONE GET GOT! YOU—"

Regina threw the soaking wet blonde into a hard kiss, shutting her up and bending her over backwards in her arms.

"My hero!" Regina purred into Emma's ear and nuzzled her neck.

Ruby surreptitiously wheeled the cart with the coveted espresso machine to the nearest open lane, and bouncing with excitement as Granny joined her.

"I guess you could say they got _roasted_," Granny chortled.

"They had a _double shot_ to win this back," Ruby added.

"Thanks a _latte_, girls," Granny said as she patted the boxed machine.

Several bad coffee puns later…

"Did you guys win it back?" Henry bounced off the couch from where he was watching TV when he heard them come in. "And why are you wet?" he asked Emma immediately.

"You were right, dear," Regina said, "They won it fair and square and it wasn't right for us to try and take it back."

Emma was standing slightly behind Regina and mouthed the words 'we lost _AGAIN_' to their son who subtly nodded with a poorly hidden smile.

"Did Belle give you any trouble?" Regina asked Henry.

"Nah, Hook came and got her not too long ago," he replied.

"No strangers?" she inquired.

"Just the one with the candy, but I didn't like his axe," Henry said nonchalantly, and Regina's eyes flew open. Emma's cackling was cut short with a smack to her ribs.

"Ah, what? Have a sense of humor," Emma said between chuckles.

"Look what you're teaching our son! Do you think this is funny? How am I supposed to keep him safe, when you go off—"

"My turn!" Emma said gleefully, and she shut her wife up with a big and overly romantic smooch.

Henry took that as his cue to slink up the stairs and to his bedroom with a mischievous grin.

* * *

**A/N: **I wish i could watch someone read this. lol. I'd love to see where someone laughed, rolled their eyes/groaned, spit out their drink, etc. Alas, all i have are reviews! So please review and spread the word! It's much appreciated and very encouraging.


	4. Cooties

"Hey Belle," Emma said, spotting her friend in a booth at the diner.

"Hi Ems," she replied as the blonde sat across from her in the booth.

"Oh," she said, motioning to her own lip, "You gotta little sum sum."

Belle hastily rubbed at her lipstick where it had smudged. "You should try this," Belle said quickly averting Emma's attention to her hot mug as she discreetly fixed her lipstick.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Granny's new pumpkin spice hot coca."

"Hand me that shit," Emma said greedily as she swiped the mug from the table and took a large slurp and sighed. "Heavenly."

The bell to the diner rung again and Regina waltz in, and Emma waved her over. She greeted the brunette with a small kiss as she made room for her.

"You should try this, it's delicious," Emma said, offering Regina a sip which she declined.

Ruby took that moment to return from the bathroom looking more than a bit disheveled, and she squeezed in next to Belle.

"Guys," she started, "I don't feel very well. I think I might be coming down with something."

Granny overheard from behind the counter and called out, "Stop kissing girls, then!"

Ruby attempted a smirk and Belle's cheeks blushed in a furious red. Emma looked up with shock, "Is that why—OW!" Belle had kicked her hard under the table and Emma was rubbing her shin. "I wasn't gunna say anything! Jeeze!" the blonde complained.

Jefferson just happened to walk by when Ruby coughed and the empty glass she was holding shattered.

The mad hatter pointed to Ruby and squealed in a high pitch scream, "COOOOOTTTIESSS!"

Jefferson was the first out the door at a hard run, leaving his meal. Suddenly the whole diner was in a panic as the few other patrons bolted, all of them pushing and shoving their way out. Screams and shouts came out of the small crowd. Granny whipped out her gas mask from under the counter and pulled out her shotgun.

Emma felt the hysteria seep into her and she was suddenly fearful. "Wait a minute," she said looking at Ruby and then back to Belle. "Are you contagious?"

"Emma we need to leave," Regina said.

"ARE YOU CONTAGIOUS?" Emma repeated in a craze at Red.

"I think it's only passed from the mouth?" Ruby offered sheepishly.

Emma looked from Ruby to Belle and back again. "Oh no!" Emma said, and clawed at her throat.

"Emma calm down, let's go," Regina said as she stood up and pulled at the blonde's hand.

"Regina," she said in a deathly whisper and pointed to Belle. "I drank out of her cup."

"It's fine," she said, dragging the blonde towards the door.

"No, no, and then I kissed YOU."

Regina froze, looking between the two women on the other side of the booth. "Oh no no no no no no," she whispered.

"What's the big deal?" Belle inquired. "It's just a cold, right?"

"Oh honey, you're in for a treat," Granny said in between Darth Vader breaths from her gas mask.

"Cooties are different here," Regina gulped. "Magical cooties have various and sometimes unknown side effects. It's ever morphing so it's always different."

"Eric had it maybe a week ago and the poor soul suffered hallucinations, giggle fits, cravings, over emoting," she recited as she locked the front door and turned the closed sign around as she started rearranging tables.

"Sounds like the same I had as a kid once," Regina considered.

"Ah, but something new in this batch, something about your true self comes out," Widow Lucas said with raised eyebrows. "Or so I've heard." Granny finished barricading the front door.

"What do we do?" Belle squeaked.

"Bunker down and pray for daylight," Granny said in a grim voice and cocked her shotgun. Belle turned her huge eyes towards Emma who was just as terrified.

"There's no cure?" Emma asked.

"Oh no, there is, but I know for a fact Storybrooke is out. The shipment won't come in till tomorrow," Granny said.

"Shipment?" Ruby asked hopefully as she sniffled.

"Cootie shots," Granny confirmed as she backed away from them and towards the kitchen service door in the back. "You poor things will just have to wait it out. I can't let you leave and contaminate the whole town, you understand."

Regina nodded with pursed lips and soon rose her hands up.

"What the fuck is going on?" Emma said, watching the exchange.

"God have mercy on your souls," Granny said ominously as she disappeared through the back door. Regina then sealed the diner with a protection spell.

"Who's coming to get us?" Belle asked.

"No," Regina said, "this is so we can't escape."

"We're trapped here?" Ruby said incredulously.

"For the night," Regina confirmed.

"I don't feel well," Emma swayed.

"That fast?" Belle said. "How come I don't—" she lurched and pushed Ruby out of the booth so she could toss her lunch if she needed to.

"It's already started," Regina mourned as she propped herself up on another table as her knees went weak.

"Guys," Ruby said in awe. "Guys, do you see that?"

"See what?"

She pointed into thin air and three sets of eyes followed her motion.

"Rubes," Belle whispered, "there's nothing there."

"What are you talking about? It's snowing!" she said with a huge smile on her face. Ruby went over to where she was pointing and started twirling around with her arms up, and her tongue stuck out like she was catching snowflakes on it.

"Regina," Emma whispered into the table top, "what the fuck?" Emma looked up, realizing Regina had moved away from her. "Hey," she said wobbling over to the register, "How did you get over there so fast?" Emma spun around faster, eyes searching the diner. "Regina, stop it!"

"Does she know you've been sitting here the whole time?" Belle asked an unmoving Regina, but she wasn't responding. Emma was getting frustrated and pushed past a dancing Ruby.

"Oh, is that how you wanna play?" Emma asked the counter. "I'm gunna getcha!" she started running around the diner knocking tables sideways with her arms outstretched, sending leftover plates of food crashing to the floor. Belle turned to the nicked glass that was left out on one of the abandoned booths.

"Is she okay?" it asked her.

"I don't know, Nick" Belle said to the inanimate object. "I think they're going crazy."

"But not you, right?" she heard the cup ask.

"No, no. Or course not," she reassured the cup.

Emma launched herself onto a booth two tables away from Belle and her new friend Nick.

"Got you!" Emma giggled and tickled the seat of the booth.

"Pfft," Belle laughed and nudged Nick. "She thinks it's Regina!" she laughed as she continued to watched Emma. "Oh god," Belle said in realization, mimicking Nick's horrified expression. "_She thinks it's Regina_!" Emma had quickly progressed to unbuttoning her skinny jeans and started licking the seat of the booth in quick intervals with her hand down her pants.

Ruby's laugh floated by with a cheerful yell of "SNOW BALL FIGHT!" and she started chucking glasses from behind the counter. They crashed into the walls and shattered on the floor like bombs. One sailed Belle's way and she ducked. It crashed onto the table she was near, knocking the beat up glass to the floor where it fractured into broken pieces. Belle gasped in shock.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she wailed, diving to the floor to try to put the pieces back together. "NICK! SPEAK TO ME! OH GOD WHY? YOU WERE TOO YOUNG! TOO YOUNG TO DIEEE!" Belle started sobbing as she dodged Ruby's "snowballs" and scrambled to the floor where Regina was sitting still comatose.

"Regina!" Belle yelled at her, "You need to fix Nick! And Emma, she's—" Emma's moans filled the small diner as if to prove her point. Regina continued staring into space, her eyes moving as if watching something. "REGINA!" Belle yelled over the chaos.

The brunette finally turned to Belle looking more through her then at her. "I see dead people," she said gravely. In Belle's rush to back away from Regina, she stood up to scramble back and got nailed by Ruby's last snowball and collapsed.

"Oh shit!" Ruby swore at her nonexistent aim. Emma's head snapped up from the booth, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.

"The fuck did she just say?" Emma called over.

"I see dead people," Regina whispered again with a horrified expression.

The room was dead silent as they watched Regina watch the air, frozen in fear for a few tense seconds.

"PPPPFFFFFTTT!" Regina burst out laughing and bent over to hold her side. "You guys should've seen your faces!" She cried out, "Bahahaha! Priceless!"

Her laugher was infectious as Ruby cracked a wry grin. Emma fumbled around in her booth, discreetly trying to put her clothes back on, having snapped out of her hallucination, and Belle held her head in her hands.

"Oh gosh, I can't breathe!" Ruby said between gasps of air, still cackling.

"And neither could they," Regina switched instantly back to being completely serious and Ruby's eyes grew wide as she immediately stopped laughing.

"I'm fucking with you!" Regina said, slapping Ruby on the back who gulped and eyed her suspiciously.

"This cootie bi'ness is fucked up," Emma said with a small blush. "What happened to Belle?" she asked as the honey brunette groaned on the floor.

Regina, who was closest, lifted her head and stared at blue eyes that were uneven with only one pupil dilated. "Lacey?" she asked.

"Wot? Why are we at the diner, and what the fuck happened to this place?" she asked, looking around the room full of overturned tables and broken dishes.

"It'll come back to you," Ruby said. "You got the coots."

"THE COOTS?" Lacey repeated. "Fuck me," she said more exasperated, "Cooties _again?_"

"Yeah…about that," Ruby trailed off.

"Guys I'm STARVING," Emma said, rubbing her tummy.

"You work up an appetite over there?" Ruby teased and Emma flushed. "Good to know you guys got some kink going," she harassed the blonde.

"I'm actually relatively famished as well," Regina admitted.

"While I doth say, famished tis I a trifold," Ruby imitated Regina who gave her a glare.

"Well there's an entire kitchen here," Emma said. "Who wants to cook?"

They looked at each other in silence.

"NOSE GOES!" Emma and Ruby shouted simultaneously and booped their own noses. Use to this sort of decision making between Emma and Henry, Regina was quick to follow by touching her index finger to her own nose.

"The fuck-?" Lacey said and stared at the three idiots with their fingers to their noses.

"You were the last one! NOSE GOES. You cook!" Emma said.

"So's the rules," Ruby piped up.

"Do I _look_ like I can fuckin' cook?" Lacey said, getting up from the floor. "I got a better idea. How bout we order in?" They looked to each other with no protests. "Problem solved." Lacey dialed her cell phone and paused as it rang. "Oi, Hook!" she said rudely into the phone. "I'm with the girls at Granny's, be a bro and bring us some pizza?" she asked. "We'll share?" she tried to bargain with her roommate and then there was a pause. "Fucking sweet!" she said as she hung up excited at the new prospect of food. "He'll be here soon," Lacey reported.

"This is awesome," Emma said thrusting her arms out on either side of her, spread eagle and staring up at the ceiling with a huge grin. "I'm sooo glad I'm here with y'all."

"I don't know," Lacey said quietly, "I feel really sad all of a sudden."

"No, girlies," Ruby panicked. "They're onto us! I can feel it! They know we're here!"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!" Regina yelled angrily.

"I know!" Ruby said with wide eyes, "They can hear us! I'll be in so much trouble if they find out!"

"Relaaaaax. We're just having fun," Emma said with a cheesy smile and elbowed Lacey.

"Maybe you are, but I just want to be alone right now," she glumly replied and slunk off to a booth to put her head down.

"Give me your phone!" Regina demanded.

"Here, take it," Lacey murmured as she handed it to her. "It's not like anyone calls me anyways," she sighed.

"NO, DON'T DO IT!" Ruby shrieked. "THEY CAN TRACE THE CALL!" She tried to take the phone from Regina's hand and the brunette shoved her forcefully. "Keep her off me," Regina said to Emma.

"Hugs all arouuuuund," the blonde said joyously and bear hugged the freaking-out Ruby in her arms. "Who you calling anyway?"

"Someone who's going to get a piece of my mind," Regina said murderously as she dialed and lifted the phone to her ear as it rang.

"Speaker phone for everyonnnneee!" Emma cheered and Regina obliged.

"Hello?" a voice answered. Regina smiled wickedly and took a deep breath before she launched into a furious rant.

"LISTEN HERE, YOU CUNT MUFFIN!" she yelled into the phone. "IT'S BEEN 28 YEARS AND I'D STILL CURSE YOUR ASS TO KINGDOM COME! YOU, YOUR STUPID FACE _AND _YOUR BONE HEADED HUSBAND CAN SUCK MY CLIT!" Regina whipped the phone away from her and cackled like a maniac until the voice hesitantly responded.

"Mom?"

His voice snapped her out of her rage and Regina's eyes practically burst through her head as her jaw hit the ground and she gasped for air, completely shocked. She gaped like a fish out of water before stammering, "Oh god! Henry, is that you? Oh god, you never heard that! I can explai—" the phone died and Regina looked completely horrified, and she turned to Emma who had heard everything. The blonde was coming down from her high as she stared at her wife completely flabbergasted.

"Did you just call our son a CUNT MUFFIN?" she yelled in disbelief as she was still trying to process it.

Ruby took that moment to add her two cents, "She also told him to lick her clit."

"EXCUSE YOU, I SAID SUCK!" Regina corrected then in realization, "Sweet Jesus, I said suck." she threw her hands into her hair in distress.

"OH MY GOD!" Lacey said, obviously feeling better and rejoining them. "That's fucked up, even for me."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR MOTHER!" Regina screamed at Emma. "Why did he answer?"

"You know I dropped him off at their place before I came here, right," Emma said cautiously.

"Oh god, I need to explain!" Regina said and ran over to the back door in the kitchen.

"No, we can't leave!" Ruby said. "We'll infect everyone else!"

Regina clawed at the door handle, which didn't budge in the slightest.

"Regina stop! We're sealed in, remember?" Emma said. The brunette kept pounded on the door with her fists desperately.

"OPEN! YOU FUCKING TIT BISCUIT!" she screamed at it in frustration.

The door suddenly swung open and knocked Regina into the three of them, causing them to topple over.

"GAH!"

"FUCK!"

"WHO'S BRA IS THIS?"

"Hello, loves," a cheery voice said as he stepped inside. "I brought pizza."

"Hook!" Lacey greeted, scrambling up from the floor yet again.

"I left me rum in the car though," he said, and motioned to his one hand holding the pizza box. "Hold this, and I'll—" he turned around and slammed face first into the closed door. "—The bloody hell?" he sputtered.

"Huh," Ruby said, "I guess it only goes one way"

"We all know you don't mean you," Hook said. "What happened?"

"I guess it only let's people in," she said.

"You're going to have to be more specific," Hook said and Red smacked his shoulder.

"The door," she over enunciated.

"So the rum's gone," Lacey filled in the blanks sadly.

"But he brought pizza!" Emma cheered.

They sat around on the floor in a circle and divvied up the supreme pizza as they all traded toppings and stuffed their faces. They ate on the few unbroken plates from the diner, and Emma got up to find something to drink as she rummaged around behind the counter.

"If you'll excuse me, ladies, I've got to change the water on the goldfish," Hook said.

"The fuck?" Ruby said through a mouthful of crust.

"Shake the dew off the lily?" he asked and Regina furrowed her brow.

"…tinkle?" Hook finally said lamely.

"Ohh, right," Lacey pointed to the small hallway where the bathrooms were and Hook trotted off to return just when Emma finally found a bottle of apple juice. She came back to their circle with cups in hand and pulled up short.

"What are you doing!" She yelled at Hook and all eyes turned to him with his mouth full of pizza. "THAT'S MY SLICE!"

"No, it's not"

"Yes it is! Mine was on the left!"

"Your left or my left?" Hook asked.

"Yours."

"I don't have a left," he said, holding up his hook.

"Okay then the right," Emma amended.

"Well, now which is it?" he asked.

"Right."

"Your right or my right?"

"Oh for fuck's sake," Regina rolled her eyes.

"Wait, no, but he's right," Lacey said.

"That's what I asked," Hook said exasperated, "my right or her right?"

"No, no, like you're correct," she clarified.

"Well I know that," Hook said, "but are we talking right rights or starboard rights?"

"Right rights," Emma replied.

"What the fuck is a starboard right?" Ruby asked.

Regina looked to the ceiling and massaged her temples.

"Right of the sea," he answered.

"Why would you ask that?" Ruby challenged, "We're clearly _not_ at sea."

"Ah, but a pirate's life is always at sea," Hook said in his wisest tone and the girls silently considered his claim.

"That was deep," Lacey nodded and the silence permeated their circle.

"…"

"What were we discussing?" Hook questioned Emma.

"The lord is testing me," Regina murmured to herself as she bit back seven irritated retorts.

"I was sitting next to Regina and you. You were sitting next to Lacey and me," Emma explained and Hook looked next to him to see Regina. "So you ate my slice."

"Now you got the coots!" Lacey shrieked, putting it all together. Hook took a deliberate bite of Emma's contaminated pizza slice.

"Ah, but you see," he said with his most charming grin, "I already have them, mate!"

"Ewwww," Ruby had the audacity to say.

"Got me the cravings same as yous," he said licking his fingers free of pizza sauce.

"I don't know I'm kinda feeling better" Ruby said.

They cleared away their dishes and stood around the counter. Emma was flush against Regina from behind with her arms around her when Regina yelped and jumped away from the blonde.

"Regina?" Emma asked full of concern.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" she shouted.

"What?" Emma said, quickly looking around her.

"You were poking me in the ass," Regina said.

"No, I wasn't. I was holding your hands," the blonde refuted.

"Emma…?" Lacey said cautiously.

"What!"

"Look down," Ruby whispered. Everyone's eyes went to Emma's crotch and she screamed loudly as she stared at the brand new bulge that was straining against her skinny jeans. Everyone's mouth dropped and Hook whistled lightly.

"WHAT THE JIZZIN' FUCK!" Emma cried out in alarm.

"I think we've made it to the home stretch," Regina said quietly.

"What Granny said about our true selves?" Ruby wrinkled her nose. "Bullshit. There's no way Emma is supposed to be a man."

"Maybe it's metaphorical and it's saying she's a big dick," Lacey theorized and Regina coughed out a poorly hidden laugh.

"Fucking Wonderful," Emma deadpanned.

"Whew," Hook examined the blonde's package. "You better let that bad boy breathe," he advised with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah, let's see it!" Ruby said. Emma looked uncomfortable and tried to scratch at herself, but then gave in when she could hardly walk in her skin tight jeans. Regina looked somewhat terrified when Emma shimmied her skinny jeans down to her knees, and was pitching a full tent in her looser boy shorts. They all exchanged impressed looks with one another.

"What am I supposed to—" she turned to the side and her new appendage knocked over a cup of apple juice on the table next to her, spilling it all over the floor.

"Shit!" she said startled. "Hook! How do I—"

"YOU GOT TO REIN THAT BAD BOY IN!" he shouted as Emma flailed about almost as if she was being dragged around by her boner. "YOU GOT TO SHOW IT WHO'S BOSS!"

"Uh oh," Ruby said, as she keeled over.

"Oh no," Lacey said.

"She's changing," Regina finished. "Get back!"

Ruby shook herself out and soon her nails were growing longer by the second, hair sprouted all over her face, and her arms and legs lengthened until she was fully transformed into her wolf counterpart.

"ARRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Rubywolf howled. Lacey and Regina covered their ears, and Emma and Hook shouted over it.

"WHO'S THE MAN!?" he yelled.

"You're the man!" Emma shouted back.

"NO, NO, NO, SWAN!" Hook crunched his hand into his hair. "WHO'S THE MAN?!"

"I…am?" she said in a questioning lilt as her heels slid across the floor.

"That's right!" he coached. "Louder now!"

"I'M THE MAN!" she yelled, slapping Regina's ass as she flew by the brunette, pulled along by her magic stick. Rubywolf started to playfully chase after the blonde.

"By the power of Neptune," Hook suddenly said with a face that was etched with pure terror. "No! No!" he yelped out, trying to fight his transformation. "Anywhere, but here!" he cried. Lacey grabbed Regina's hand as she watched her roommate lose his battle. Hook sunk down as if going to touch his toes.

"I'M FAAAAABUUUULOOOOUUUUUSSSSSSS!" he squealed in a high pitched voice as he came up and ripped his leather pants off stripper style to reveal nothing but a skanky pink lace thong.

"MY EYES!" Regina screamed, throwing her hands up to cover them from his hairy ass, and Lacey gasped throwing her hand to her chest in shock as her mouth dropped open.

"IS THAT MY THONG!?" Lacey screamed at Hook.

"Oh honey, we all know I look better in it." He snapped his finger at her and twirled. "Not to mention the matching bra." Hook ditched his coat to reveal a stretched out pink sparkly matching bra around his hairy chest.

"YOU WEAR MY BRAS TOO?" Lacey furiously accused. Just as she was going to attack her roomie, she froze and her hands flew to her head.

"GET OUT OF HERE, BELLE!" she yelled. "I'M HERE. NOT YOU. ME!" She struggled with whatever forces were making her pupils rapidly change their dilation.

"Lacey?" Regina ventured, jumping out of the way of Emma trying to slap her ass again. She was still yelling and being pulled around the diner by her one eyed wonder weasel with a jaunty Rubywolf in tow.

"AARRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'M THE MAN! YOU LISTEN TO ME NOW!"

"Or are you Belle?" Regina asked through the chaos. Hook and her both stared in horror as she visibly switched back and forth from Lacey to Belle as if having a seizure. Hook shrieked and jumped into Regina's arms when one of her hands started trying to choke herself, and the other was trying to bat it away.

"FUCK THIS!" Regina yelled, dropping the scantily clad Hook to the floor making him land hard on his ass as she ran to the other side of the diner.

"Regina!" Emma called. "Regina, look, I think it's listening to me!" she said waddling over with her legs spread far apart and holding onto her Johnson with both hands as it tried to regain control. Emma looked like she was literally playing with a joystick, trying to keep it in her grasp. "I think it likes you," Emma stated neutrally. "Maybe we could put this bad boy to use if—"

Regina bent over and clutched at her stomach. "Nooo," she moaned.

"Well fine, but I think it's a missed opportunity," Emma miffed.

"She's changing, you idiot," Hook called from his sprawled out calendar pose position on the counter with his hanging foot entertaining Rubywolf.

"Oh," Emma said, watching Regina closely as she struggled within herself. "What do you think she'll be?"

Hook shrugged and then looked at his attire. "Whatever she tries to hide the most, mate."

With that guidance, she could turn into anything. Emma bit her lip as the anticipation was slowly killing her. Regina gave a last shuddered moan and then she was gone.

"REGINA?!" Emma frantically called out. Hook's eyebrows were sky high as he pointed to Emma's feet. The blonde's eyes grew huge as she pierced the air with a high pitched, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

No bigger than her foot, was a small black bunny on the floor where Regina had just been standing.

"YOU'RE SO FLOOFY!" Emma squealed in delight as she picked up the little fur ball to snuggle her wife to her face. The little bunny Regina started to quickly move up and down against Emma's neck and tap its foot. Hook burst out laughing.

"My, you two are quite the lovebirds," he jeered.

"IS SHE HUMPING ME?" Emma exclaimed.

"Oi! Now I can really call you fuck face!" Lacey called out in near hysterics before she slapped herself.

"Don't be so crass," Belle scolded.

"Yeesh," Hook side glanced a growling Rubywolf. "I wouldn't want to be part of that Christmas dinner."

"MAKE HER STOP!" Emma panicked.

"Your wife, your problem," Lacey said.

"Stop being so unhelpful!" Belle countered.

The little black bunny had firmly attached itself to Emma's neck and was still grinding its little pelvis against the blonde.

"No, you don't understand!" Emma yelped. "I can't control this thing!" she said, meaning her lower half. "She's setting me off again!" Emma dropped her hands from holding her wife up to her crazed pocket rocket as it started to pull her along again. Bunny Regina squeaked as bounced when she hit the floor.

"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rubywolf howled as she sprung at the little black bunny who hopped for its life as it was being chased. Hook paced back and forth.

"What do I do? What do I do?" he chanted, swiping at his scruff.

"BELLE!" he shouted. "Or Lacey, whoever the fuck, calm Ruby down!" Rubywolf was clawing her way behind the counter and towards the corner that Bunny Regina had gotten stuck in. Hook swooped in from over the counter and pulled the little black thing by its ears out of Rubywolf's snapping jaws.

"Aw, poor thing," Belle cooed and petted Rubywolf. "You were just hungry, isn't that right?" she baby voiced. Belle went to work on soothing Ruby by finding some old bacon in one of the fridges.

"SWAN!" Hook reprimanded.

"I KNOW! I KNOW!" she wailed. "It's just—"

"AS CAPTAIN OF THIS DINER, I ORDER YOU TO CALM THAT BAD BOY THIS FUCKING INSTANT!" he screamed at the blonde as he adjusted his bra, and she suddenly lurched to a stop. Hook nodded firmly at his obeyed orders.

"That wasn't me," the blonde confessed a little sheepishly.

"Then it must mean it's wearing off," Hook suspected. "Here's your wife," he said as he plopped an irritated black ball of furriness into her hands.

"I don't know about you—," Belle began.

"Are you feeling twenty two?" Lacey interjected.

Belle looked irritated as she answered herself, "No. I was going to say I'm exhausted."

"Ugh, me too," Emma admitted and laid down with Bunny Regina resting on her tummy next to where Belle was stroking Rubywolf. Hook came around to the other side and sat down to join them.

"Whatever happened here," he said grimly. "We'll NEVER speak of it."

"NEVER," Belle and Emma swore. Even Rubywolf and Bunny Regina seemed to nod at his sentiments.

It wasn't long before they all crashed, passed out, and splayed on the floor. Hook with his hairy ass in a pink lace thong and wearing a matching glittering bra, Ruby in her wolf form curled up next to him with Belle/Lacey's hand stroking her, Emma flat on her back with her pants gone and still pitching a tent from her bunny wife laying on her tummy slowly humping her hand.

When Granny came in the next morning, she walked into her diner to find it practically destroyed. "Christ on a cracker," she swore surveying the damage.

Tables were flipped, glass and broken dishes, food spills, paw prints, clothes strewn all over the place, and the five of them asleep and spooning in the middle of the floor. They were all back in their human forms and were in a spooning order of Hook, Ruby, Belle, Emma, then Regina.

Granny shook her head and said, "Might as well, start with the one that's got his ass hanging out already." She fixed up the cootie shot, drew a circle-circle-dot-dot in enchanted marker, and stuck it sharply into Hook's thong bare ass.

"HOLY FUCK! BUY ME DINNER FIRST!" he yelped everyone awake as he got his cootie shot.

"Next," Granny said.

One by one, they dropped their pants to get a circle-circle-dot-dot drawn on their ass before being stabbed with the needle.

No one said a word as they surveyed the destruction and avoided eye contact with each other.

"Uh…Granny?" Ruby stuttered.

"I don't want to know," she said shaking her head. "Oh lord, I do _not_ want to know."

* * *

**A/N: Reviews highly encourage and fuel my creativity to bring you more ridiculousness. **

**I shouldn't be allowed a laptop after midnight, but by all means, please review! **


	5. The Kinky Mishap

**Shout out to frenchgirl1981 for the inspiration D

* * *

"Did you fix that thing for Henry, dear?" Regina called from the master bathroom.

"Yep, piece of cake," Emma said lightly as she set the glue tube on the nightstand. She had just finished helping Henry re-attach a broken finger to one of his action figures. Now the blonde kept rearranging herself on the bed in provocative poses trying to find the best one to show off her new outfit. They had agreed to surprise each other, and Emma's smile nearly cracked her face in half when Regina finally came out of the bathroom.

"What do you think?" Regina purred. She crawled onto the end of the bed in her new get up. She was clad in corset-like red pushup top fringed with a gold W, a tiny blue thong with little white stars, and two sparkly gold wrist cuffs with a matching golden headband that had a red star on it.

"Well hot damn, I love it," Emma said with hooded eyes.

"You don't look so back yourself," Regina said with a lusty gaze, her eyes darkening with desire.

Emma was in the position she'd finally decided on, splayed out on her side with her hand propping up her head. She was in all black, wearing a strappy bra like top, stockings with a garter belt that had a small ruffle of fabric barely reaching her ass cheeks, and black cat ears.

"Meow," she said feistily and Regina smirked. "Look," Emma said, getting on her hands and knees atop the bed. She turned her ass to her wife to show her the black tail attached to the back of the ultra mini skirt ruffle, but Regina wasn't looking at the tail.

"Are those crotchless?" Regina's mouth watered. Before Emma could respond, Regina pushed the blonde down as her tongue found her dripping center in greedy licks. Emma moaned her deep and throaty content.

"I didn't even get to show you my whip," Emma huffed out between breaths.

Regina pulled up short, "Oh honey," she said with a grin. "I've got something better."

She reached to the bottom draw of the nightstand and pulled out a gold painted rope. She proceeded to use both hands to fix it up to one of the headboard's pillars on one side.

"Hand me that mini tube of lube I put on the nightstand. I've got plans for you," Regina said wickedly. Emma reached over, full of excitement as she threw her arm out, grabbing the small tube and chucking it on the bed without tearing her gaze away.

"Oh god, yes," Emma said as Regina tied both of her hands over her head to the headboard's pillar with her golden 'lasso'.

Regina hopped off the bed to flick the lights off to make use of their black out curtains since it was midday. She then jumped onto the blonde on the bed when she returned.

"I think you've been a bad girl," Regina's husky voice admonished. "You need to be punished."

"Oh god yes, punish me!" Emma said all too eager.

Regina fumbled with the small tube until a goop of it fell out onto her fingers and she rammed them into the blonde, coating her inside as she pumped her roughly, and Emma's moans grew louder.

"Fuck, don't stop!" Emma cried out when Regina started to slow down. "Nooo, faster!" she complained.

"Emma…" Regina said, voice suddenly concerned. "My hand, it's—"

"Cramp up later!" Emma nearly demanded.

"No, it's stuck!" Regina said, trying to tug her hand out of the blonde, but hardly budging. Emma's head lifted up off the bed to look down at her worried wife.

"Just keep—FUCK!" Emma cried out in pain when Regina pulled on her hand. "GAH! THAT HURT!"

"I'm sorry! I don't know what—turn on the lamp," Regina said. "I don't think I can reach it without hurting you."

"Problem," Emma said with her head flicking towards her bound wrists above her. Regina grumbled as she shimmied up the blonde beneath her to blindly claw out to the nightstand where her hand knocked into a tiny tube.

"Emma…" she said as she felt the object.

"Mmm?" she responded.

"Which of the nightstands did you grab the travel sized lube from? Did you grab it from the left one?" Regina asked, suddenly concerned.

"My left or your left?" Emma asked.

Regina smacked her shoulder in annoyance. "We're not doing this," she said, ending her question. Emma reluctantly pointed her foot in the direction of which nightstand and Regina furrowed her brow.

"Then what did you hand me if I put it on the left one?" she voiced. Emma's eyes popped open hard.

"OH MY GAWD! YOU DID NOT JUST SUPER GLUE MY PUSSY SHUT!" Emma yelled in hysterics.

"You're the one who handed me the wrong one!" Regina defended and tried to pull her hand free with fierce tugs.

"FUCKKKK! STOP, IT HURTS!" EMMA cried out.

"Why did it dry so fast?" Regina questioned aloud.

"I don't know! Can't you just magically unglue my snatch?" she asked in exasperation. Regina was silent. "Well?" Emma prodded.

"Emma, dear," Regina said, almost patronizing, "you know I'm not left handed." She waved her free hand up. "I can't do the proper motions for the spell with my dominant hand stuck inside you."  
The realization that they could be stuck like this for some time hit Emma like a freight train, and just at that moment they heard the door to their home slam shut.

"I'm home!" Henry's voice echoed through the house as he came home from school.

"What do we do?!" the blonde started to panic with wide eyes and even Regina looked nervous. "Did we lock the door?" They both side glanced over to their bedroom door—which was currently unlocked.

"I'll get it," Regina said, momentarily forgetting she was stuck to Emma who yelped out when she tried to slither off the bed.

"Moms?" Henry called out and sounded a little closer this time.

"Shit!" Regina cursed under her breath.

"Untie me!" The blonde yelped. Regina scooted up over the blonde with her one hand stuck inside her, and the other fumbling around with the rope ties that were securing the blonde's wrists to the headboard.

"I can't get it! I need two hands!" Regina said in frustration.

"Whatdowedo? Whatdowedo?" Emma chanted.

"Moms?" They froze at the voice right outside their door. They watched the handle slowly turn and Emma shouted out in a panic, "I'M NAKED!"

Regina slapped her hand to her forehead at her wife's idiocy, but the handle instantly retracted its progression. "Don't come in, honey," Regina clarified, "your mother's changing."

"Are we still going to the diner?" Henry innocently called through the door, unbeknownst to his mothers' predicament on the other side of the wooden barrier.

"You know what, how about you order some pizza instead?" Regina called out.

"Oh boy, pizza!" her wife squirmed in delight and Regina tried not to roll her eyes. "I'm starving!"

"Cool!" came their son's response as his voice drifted further away to go place the order.

"Have him call someone!" Emma nudged her wife, who nodded at the idea.

"HENRY!" she called out and they heard his footsteps halt. "Honey, can you call—" Regina looked to the blonde. "Who would…" she asked her in a vague gesture.

"My bet would be that Lacey would've had some experience with bedroom uh…mishaps" Emma offered. "She'll never let us live this down, but maybe she could help?" Regina nodded her agreement as their options were relatively slim.

"Honey, can you call Lacey for us? Her number's near the fridge. Please tell her to come over and let her up here when she arrives."

"Sure, I guess," came the uncertain response to Regina's strange request. The two women exhaled loudly when they heard his footsteps hit the stairs.

"Jeeze, that was close," Emma breathed. Regina kept trying to gently pull her fingers out of the blonde while they waited for Lacey to arrive, but to no avail. Soon enough, they heard the doorbell and footsteps stomping up the stairs. Luckily Henry didn't follow up behind Lacey as she stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.

"Why is it so dark in here?" Lacey asked.

"NO DON'T!" Emma cried out too late as she flicked on the lights.

"OH MY GOD!" Lacey shouted out at the two cos-playing women in a compromising position. She quickly covered her eyes with both hands. "Jesus, guys!"

"No, Lacey, it's not what you think," Regina admitted with a flush. "We need your help."

"Darling, if you two wanted to threesome all you had to do was ask," Lacey retorted, and lowered her hands from her face.

"That's not what we mean," Emma said. She was unsure of how to break the news to her.

"Shame," Lacey pouted as she eyed their get ups. "My Harley Quinn costume is at the cleaners."

"We're stuck," Regina cut to the chase bluntly. Lacey took another good look at their position as it dawned on her.

"OH. MY. GAWD." Lacey repeated as she burst out laughing and bent over in hysterics. Both of the two women's faces burned a hot rouge as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Oh fuck, you guys are something else," Lacey shook her head as she crossed the room over to them.

"Untie me, will you?" Emma asked in a small voice and Lacey obliged.

"You know," she said thoughtfully as she freed Emma from her lassoed restraint, "I would've thought Regina would've been Catwoman."

"What's wrong with _me_ being Catwoman?" Emma said. She was clearly offended at Lacey's comment.

"Oh…nothing," came her short reply. "Did you guys…like, can't you pull out?" she pointed at Regina's three engulfed fingers.

"Of course we tried that! We wouldn't be _stuck _if I could pull out now, would we?" Regina said bitterly, and Lacey put up her hands in defense.

"Maybe ya' should go to the hospital?" Lacey suggested.

"We CAN'T go in there like this!" Emma refuted.

"Emma," Regina said quietly, "I think we might have to." The blonde turned to her in horror.

"But—but—"

"Lacey, will you drive us?" Regina asked.

"Course," she answered with a shrug.

"But—how are we supposed to go there without me mooning the whole town?"

"I think you're more than just mooning them," Lacey said.

"AND in costume?" Emma was close to hysterics.

"We can at least change," Regina said and then turned to Lacey. "Can you—"

"I'm on it." Lacey got up to rummage around in Regina's closet for two changes of clothes. She brought back to the bed jeans and a tank for Emma and a simple button up with pants for Regina. "Here."

The two of them stared at the two piles of clothes and instantly realized their problem.

"Um, Lace?" Emma said as she gave a sad look to Regina. "How am I supposed to put on any bottoms when her hand is up my snatch? And how is she going to put on any shirts with my snatch in her hand?"

"Fortunately, my top is zippered," Regina bragged. "But it does leave the question of what I can wear instead."

"Easy," Lacey said, taking off her own skirt to reveal a purple thong. "Wear this."

"Your skirt?"

"Technically it's a tube top, but you can put it on from the bottom up," she explained. Lacey helped Regina put on her pants and helped her take off the red push up top she was wearing. Regina looked ridiculous in her business pants and a black tube top, but it was the best they could do.

"That's not fair!" Emma whined. "What am I supposed to do?" Regina removed her headband and Lacey pulled her wrist cuff off her left hand and just stared at the other wrist cuff still on her right hand that was stuck inside the blonde.

"Great," Regina murmured. Emma slipped on her tank top after removing her strappy top and cat ears. She then unclipped her stockings and pulled them off and they all stared at her lingerie bottoms with the cat tail hanging down.

"I got this," Lacey said, snapping her fingers in the air. I'll distract Henry, you guys get in my car and we'll go.

When they pulled up to Storybrooke's only hospital, Lacey helped the connected duo out of her car and into the piggy back position they'd managed to move together in. Regina had her arm behind her and still inside the blonde while Emma was piggy-backing her and holding on with her legs around her wife. Emma wore one of Regina's long dark winter coats that hung low enough to cover her crotch-less ass from behind.

"Aight, now act natural," Lacey coached.

The three of them entered the hospital and were anything but casual. They immediately drew the attention of the full waiting room with the Mayor in a tube top with a piggy-backed Sheriff. Regina eyed the full room as she struggled to hold up the blonde. Lacey discreetly told the receptionist what had happened. As a result, their eyes grew wide and their cheeks flamed as they looked between Regina and Emma.

"WHAT," Regina snapped as Emma just buried her face in her wife's hair, avoiding everyone's curious gaze. "You got something to say?" she raised her voice with a faint Brooklyn accent coming out the madder she got.

"N-nothing," the receptionist stammered.

"THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE, YOU PUNK-ASS CUNT CAKE!" Regina yelled at the poor boy working the front desk.

"D-Dr. Whale can see you now," he said, looking straight at the floor. Regina tossed her head back with her nose in the air as she wobbled by.

As soon as she turned the corner out of their sight she said, "Fuck, Emma, why are you so heavy?"

"Hey! It's all muscle," she flexed her arms wrapped around the Brunette's neck. "Wait. Is that a fat joke?"

Dr. Whale opened the door to his examination room and his mouth dropped open slightly at the sight of Regina hobbling over with her wife wrapped around her. Lacey trailed in after them as well.

"Are you two….okay?" Whale scrunched his eyebrows at them.

"For fuck's sake!" Regina seethed as she collapsed backwards onto the hospital bed so Emma was sitting. "Would be here if we were?"

"Fair enough," Dr. Whale allowed and grabbed his clipboard. "What…can I do for you?" he asked curiously, and Regina immediately shut her trap.

"Lacey?!" they heard a voice squeal. All four heads turned as they looked to the open door.

"Red?" Lacey pulled Ruby in from the hallway and their room. "What are you doing here?"

"_Me?"_ Ruby said. She grabbed Lacey's hand and pranced around. "I drove Granny here so she could visit someone. What are _you_ doing here?"

"You'd never guess!" Lacey said with a chuckle and pointed behind her. "These two bitches are stuck together!"

"LACEY!" Emma yelped. Regina massaged her temple with her free hand and uttered a deep sigh.

"No flippin way!" Ruby said and burst out a hearty laugh. Dr. Whale's eyebrows rose above his head as he took a closer look at how they were sitting.

"She's super glued…in her…special place," Regina said awkwardly.

"Well that's…." Dr. Whale didn't even pretend to know how to finish his sentence. "I'm afraid I'm going to need to….see the situation," he said.

Emma's faced burned to the nth degree as she tossed the long coat off of her to reveal her bare ass, kitty tale, and three of Regina's fingers rammed into her ham wallet. Lacey burst out laughing as she watched Ruby's eyes grow wide.

"Is that a Wonder Woman wrist cuff?" Dr. Whale pointedly asked. Ruby stopped her laughing long enough to take in Emma's tail.

"Huh. I would've thought Emma would've been Wonder Woman."

"_Right?"_ Lacey said excitedly.

"As a certified Doctor," Whale announced, "I believe I must agree."

"FUCK ALL Y'ALL! I CAN BE CATWOMAN!" Emma shouted at them and clenched her fist.

When the chuckling settled down, Dr. Whale took a swab of the area and ran off to do some quick tests on it.

"I'll be right back too" Ruby said.

"I'll go with," Lacey said as she followed after her, and they were gone. A few minutes later, Ruby popped back into the room. She had a taco in one hand, and she wore a new outfit with red booty shorts so short her ass cheeks were hanging out when she bent over to pick up a dropped wad of lettuce from her lunch.

Emma's eyes started to darken and Regina stared incredulously at her wife, and looked to her fingers still stuck inside of her.

"Ruby! Will you give us a moment?" Regina demanded.

"I just got he-"

"NOW."

As soon as she left the room, Regina turned on Emma.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" she berated the blonde with a hard one-handed shove.

"Ow, what?" Emma said innocently.

"I saw you looking at her ass."

"NO."

"YES!"

"I wasn't!"

"Don't lie to me." Regina wriggled her fingers within the blonde. "I could_ feel_ you getting wet!"

"What?" Emma bit her lip. "That wasn't—I—"

Regina turned her back on the blonde as best she could.

"Regina, come on. I wasn't... I just…I just wanted the taco in her hand," Emma finally admitted in a small voice.

"What?"

"I'm hungry," she mewled. Regina just stared at her. Luckily Dr. Whale took that time to come back with the test results he took.

"I don't know how to say this," he said very seriously and the two women looked fearfully to each other. "Si-yah-no? Siyan-o? Sigh-an-oh?" Dr. Whale attempted. "Hmm. Well anyway, cyanoacrylate which is the active ingredient in super glue, can only be broken down with time. Like getting it in any orifice such as the eyes or mouth, the body's natural liquids will help speed the process.

"She's been wet this whole time! The brunette protested.

"REGINA!" Emma said completely mortified.

"Oh honey, I think we're way past the point of being embarrassed any longer."

Dr. Whale let out a chuckle at the reddening blonde. "I'm afraid you two will just have to wait it out," he said simply.

Lacey took that moment to pass by the room in her search for Red and overheard the doctor's consensus.

"There you are!" Ruby jumped the brunette from behind with a playful giggle and grabbed her hand. "I got salsa on my white pants, hope you don't mind." Ruby playfully wriggled her bum at Lacey whose mouth hung open at her red booty shorts.

"Well fuck me—" Lacey murmured.

"Wherever you like," Ruby winked and licked her lips.

Lacey immediately pulled Red along behind her as she searched for an open and deserted room.

"Fuck," she cursed, realizing all the rooms were occupied. A janitor walked by them and turned the corner. A light bulb hovered over both of their heads as they grinned at each other and doubled back to find where the janitor's closet was.

As soon as they spotted the tiny plaque by the door, they barely managed to it behind them as they entered the dark closet. Lacey and Ruby went at each other in a heated make out session, ignoring all else but each other as Lacey's hands found Red braless under her thin top. Ruby moaned out her pleasure into her ear up against the wall. Things were getting really heated when they heard a deathly wheeze.

The two girls froze in horror at the realization that the sound had come from inside the closet with them. Lacey squealed as she backed up and tried turning the knob on the closet door.

"It won't open!" Lacey instantly started to panic, her breathing already high from their crashed quickie. "Oh god, we're going to die in here!"

Ruby fumbled around for a light switch until a small thin string smacked across her face. She pulled down on it, illuminating the small space to reveal a much larger closet. Ruby's eyes nearly blew out of her head when she saw where the wheezy noise came from.

"GRANNY?" Ruby screamed in fright.

"OL- OLD MAN RUMPLE?" Lacey cried out through her episode as she twitched and sunk to the floor.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KISSING GIRLS?!" Granny yelled back at her while she was clearly rearranging her clothing back into place. Old Man Rumple was shakily putting his shirt back on with another wheeze.

"WHAT—WHAT—WHY—OH, OH MY—WERE YOU TWO—" Ruby started to feel really sick. She started to bang heavily on the door and shout in hysterics. "HELP! HELP! HELP! WE'RE TRAPPED! WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE! LET US OUT!" she roughly pounded one fist after the other onto the door while Granny started on her lecture.

"—how will you ever find a man if you keep going around eating all that pussy, now?"

"Fuck, not _now_, Gran!" Ruby accosted.

"Why are we all in a closet?" Belle asked from the floor.

_Wheeze._

"What about that ? He's a doctor you know. He would be—"

"FUCK, LET ME OUUUUTTTTT!"

Suddenly the door swung open and Ruby tripped over Belle as she spilled out of the janitor's closet into a pair of arms.

"Ruby? What are you—"

"Snow! Thank god! I—" Ruby lurched. "Ugh, I feel sick," she said as she swayed. She briefly looked back to see Granny's tongue down Old Man Rumple's throat as he tried his best to clumsily push her against the wall.

"Bllrrrrghhhhhhrr," Ruby threw up all over the hospital floor just barely missing Mary Margaret. Belle had stood up and was incredibly pale as she looked at Ruby's chunks of tacos all over the floor before upchucking herself.

"Hhhuuurrrrrhhhllll,l" Belle stumbled back to place one hand against the wall to steady herself as she bent over.

"Oh goodness," Mary Margaret said starting to feel sick.

"Close…the…door," Ruby panted as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Won't they be stuc—"

"CLOSE THE GODDAMN GRANDMOTHER FUCKING DOOR!" Ruby screeched at Snow and Belle covered her ears.

Snow didn't have to be told twice as she jumped to close the janitor's closet. "I was on my way to get another book to read in the children's ward when I heard you pounding. What were you four—"

"Don't ask," Ruby said, finally catching her breath.

"I think we should go back to Emma's room," Belle said as her memories from Lacey caught up to her. Ruby's eyes immediately blew up again as she tried to signal to Belle to shut her stupid yap.

Mary Margaret instantly started to cause a scene and panic. "EMMA'S HERE? WHY WOULDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME MY ONLY DAUGHTER IS IN THE HOSPITAL?"

"No no no no no no!" Ruby clung onto her arm, as she tried to pull her back.

"I don't think so!" Snow dodged Belle's attempt to restrain her, threw Ruby off of her, and took off shouting. "EMMA? EMMA WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE'S MY BABY?!"

"She _can't _know!" Belle said to Ruby as she wrung her hands together.

"STOP THAT BITCH!" Ruby screamed down the hallway. Suddenly it was as if Mary Margaret was running the last twenty yards to score the winning touchdown at the Superbowl with six seconds on the clock as various nurses and bystanders launched themselves at the running Snow.

Inside their room, Emma's ears perked up. "Did you hear that?"

"What, dear?" Regina hummed as she lazily flipped through an old magazine laid out next to her with one hand.

"I swear I heard my name being called," the blonde cocked her head to the side.

Snow threw the door open, causing the two women to jump. "Where's my ba—" the words died on her lips when she saw Emma. "Oh Emma!" she flew towards her. "What happened? Are you okay? Why are you here?" She eyed Regina distastefully, and the brunette merely smirked a wicked grin as she waited for her wife to explain.

Emma couldn't be any more embarrassed as her cheeks flamed and she tried to get Mary Margaret to leave. Regina on the other hand (literally) started to move her slightly loosened fingers inside of the blonde who froze up.

"What happened to by baby?" Snow pinched Emma's cheek and held her head in her hands.

"Uh—I—we—it—" Emma stuttered out.

"Do you _really_ want to know that?" Regina leaned over and drawled with a smug look. "I'd be _more _than happy to tell you exactly how good your daughter is at getting me off." She surreptitiously increased the pace of pumps to her wife underneath the blanket that was covering their…situation.

"What?" Snow said with absolute confusion and furrowed her brow at her ex step mother. "Emma, what is she—?"

Suddenly Emma exuded a loud moan that surprised even her and immediately covered her mouth as went absolutely ridged. "Regina," she said tersely as she shoved her wife who was still attached to her. "Not now!" Her brunette half was moving her loosened fingers inside the blonde against her walls, and Emma was nearly popping a blood vessel trying to keep from moaning into her mother's face.

Regina leaned over to huskily whisper into Emma's ear. "Say my name and I'll stop," she told the blonde who was getting all worked up.

"Rreginaaaaa," Emma moaned out, half whining.

Mary Margaret's face paled when she realized what was going on and why Regina's arm was pumping underneath the blanket between them. She tried to find something to say as her mouth gaped open in shock. Regina kept eye contact the whole time with Snow as she flicked her tongue out, to slowwwwlyyy lick Emma's cheek. Emma caught herself with hooded eyes at the erotic lick and froze, not knowing how to play it off in front of her mother.

The room was absolutely silent.

The seconds on the clock ticked by as if they were from an amp.

_Tick._

_Tick._

_TICK._

"GET OFF OF MY BABY!" Mary Margaret exploded into an angry yell and launched herself at Regina who was still sitting on the patient bed with Emma. Snow reached to grab a handful of her shirt before realizing she was clad in a tube top. Regina slapped her away with her free hand and all the while Emma shrieked as every movement pulled at her sealed vajayjay.

"YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES YOUR DAUGHTER MOAN?" Regina yelled at Snow _still _egging her on. "_I DO_!"

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" Snow squealed as she reached to pull at Regina's hair. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY GIRL!"

"BUT SHE _LOVES _IT WHEN I FUCK HER!" Regina mercilessly added, "_HARD_!"

Regina landed a particularly hard slap to her ex step daughter's face, and Snow used both her hands to catfight her. "NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Regina! Mom!" Emma shouted over them. "Stop it, you guys! OUCH! FUCK! OW!"

Regina lifted her left hand and tried to summon a spell, causing her right hand to heat up inside of Emma. Her wonky half formed fireball burst before she could fully form it. It missed Snow, but caught the curtains, setting them on fire as the fire alarm instantly went off. Screams echoed from the hospital.

The fight caused the blanket that was covering them to slip to the floor and Mary Margaret nearly fainted at the sight of the Catwoman and Wonder Woman cosplay of Regina's fingers being jammed up her daughter.

"M—My…" Snow gasped tearfully. "My baby isn't Wonder Woman?"

Regina pouted mockingly, "Sorry, betch!"

However, she was drowned out by Emma's shout of "I CAN BE CATWOMAN GOD DAMNIT!"

Ruby and Belle entered the room to Mary Margaret resuming her mission of pulling Regina off the bed and onto the floor. Emma cried out with a last loud yelp as, with a suctioned pop, Regina fell atop Snow and continued to rain her beat down on her as they pulled hair, swatted faces, and wrestled each other.

"Shit, I'll get the curtains, you…no. You get the curtains, I'll pull 'em off each other," Ruby told Belle.

Belle scampered over to Emma after quickly patting out the flames with the blanket. "Are you okay?"

"Fuck my vag!" Emma had both hands over her front bottoms.

"Oh, um" Belle started politely. "I don't know if Ruby's told you, but we—"

"FUCK COMMA MY VAG," Emma amended as she rolled around on the bed.

"Oh. Right." Belle looked to the floor where Regina and Snow had somehow managed to make Ruby part of their fight.

"I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP!"

"WOLF, PLEASE. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP"

"STOP DOING THE FRICK FRACK WITH MY DAUGHTER!"

"SHE_ LIKES_ WHEN I DO THE FRICK FRACK TO HER!"

"WILL YOU GUYS STOP ALREADY!?"

Emma threw a hand to her face at the whole scene.

"I'll be right back," Belle said quietly as she slipped out the door. She came back quickly with a yellow broom in her hand, took a deep breath, and shouted at the three women wrestling on the floor.

"LISTEN UP YOU CUNT BITCH MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU BEST BE CUTTIN THIS SHIT OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW OR IMMA FUCK Y'ALL RIGHT THE FUCK UP!" Belle shouted as she bopped each of with the broom.

"EEK!"

"FUCK ME!"

"OW!"

All three of them stopped what they were doing to stare at the sweet little brunette opened mouthed.

"That's more fuckin like it!" Belle said as they slowly dusted themselves up from the floor to stand on opposite sides of the room.

"Belle…what the fuck? You raw gurl," Emma whispered reverently.

"Sometimes I need to just channel my inner Lacey. I think it worked," Belle said brightly.

Belle put her weapon away as she forcefully pulled at Snow to leave the room. Ruby trailed after them to go get Dr. Whale, and she found him not far from the room at a sink station.

"Blatant force," Dr. Whale concluded when Ruby told him what happened. "Why didn't we think of that?" He jotted something down on the nearest piece of paper.

"What's that?" Red asked him.

"Writing down the cure, of course," he said. "For the next time it happens."

"Who'd be stupid enough to—"

They walked back into Emma and Regina's room to find them mid fuck. Regina's legs were hanging off the edge of the patient bed, and Emma was dressed in a swiped nurse's uniform, face deep between her thighs.

"Fucking Christ, these two," Ruby said loudly, causing the two women to spring apart unconnected this time.

"Why isn't Regina the nurse?" Belle innocently asked with a scrutinizing face as she came up behind them.

"As a doctor, I must concur," Dr. Whale said seriously.

"Man, fuck all y'all!" Emma said hotly in defense of her outfit and slammed the door in their faces.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm curious if this chapter was as funny as the first few (I had a diff. writing approach to this one.) & should I include more sexytimes in future chapters? I LOVE reading your reviews for this fic because they _always_ make my day! So by all means, PLEASE REVIEW!


	6. Hypnotist Show

"I'm not doing it," Regina said as she crossed her arms in her chair.

"That's cuz you're too chicken," Emma teased. She had insisted on bringing her wife to _The Amazing Finn's Hypnosis Show._

"It's not even real," Regina continued. "They always fake it. It's not even magic."

"Ruby?" Emma asked with a flick of her head.

"Oh no way, gurl," I learned my lesson the last time this guy was in town. What do you think I brought the camera for?" she said in reply and tapped the side of the ancient camcorder. "I swiped it from Granny, but I think as long as I don't rewind, it'll work."

"Oh come on, I can't go up there by myself," Emma whined.

"Aye, Swan," Hook's voice surprised her from behind.

"You'll do it with me?" Emma asked excitedly.

"Please. I'll try, but a man like me can't be swayed with none of this voodoo," he said and thrust his chest out proudly.

"Pfft, we'll see about that," Ruby said with a smirk.

"Alright, so it looks like I've got two volunteers," the hypnotist running the show said when he saw Emma shoot her and Hook's hands up. "I'll need at least two more to make this fun."

The two of them had climbed aboard the stage, and Emma spotted Mary Margaret in the crowd elbowing Charming and whispering furiously. "We'll do it!" Snow piped up for the both of them as she dragged Charming on stage with her.

"Excellent!" Finn the hypnotist said and rubbed his hands together. "So let's get this show on the road."

He instantly hypnotized his four volunteers on stage by making them picture a beach. One by one he went to them and barely touched their wrist or their neck, and one by one they slumped down on the chairs they were sitting on.

"This is going to be good," Ruby whispered to Regina who was sitting next to her as she turned on her old camera and started to film.

When Finn finished his hypnosis with each of them he started off with a classic show piece. "When I snap my fingers, I'll become invisible," he told the sleeping foursome.

_SNAP!_

The four hypnotized volunteers blinked in confusion. The crowd watching giggled because Finn was standing directly in front of them. Finn walked closer to the four of them, but none of their eyes locked onto him. Finn stretched an arm out to hold Emma's hair out and she went ridged as she stared in horror at her floating hair.

"Guys," Emma whispered with wide eyes, "guys are you seeing this?"

"By Poseidon's loins, what's going on?" Hook said in astonishment as the 'invisible' Finn then picked up a pen from the floor, making it appear to levitate to them.

"Who's doing that?" Charming asked the room in a challenging yell.

Finn then dragged a chair from the side stage and the four of them huddled together in fright as they watched it move on its own.

"Watch this," Finn said to the crowd. He picked up the chair firmly with both hands to make it appear to be floating around the stage as he walked around with it.

"SOMEBODY CALL JESUS!" Emma screamed as she lost her shit. "DO YOU HAVE HIS NUMBER? HE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT!"

Snow shrieked as the chair flew closer to her, Charming ducked behind her, and Hook shrieked.

Emma was looking through her phone frantically. "I DON'T HAVE HIS NUMBER! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

The room was in hysterics, and Finn put the chair down. "I am now visible!" he announced.

_SNAP!_

"FINN!" Hook yelled as he recounted Finn's absence. "Mate, you just missed the most incredible thing!"

"I tried to call Jesus, but I couldn't find his number," Emma said sadly.

_"SLEEP!"_ the hypnotist said suddenly, and all four heads went to their chests. "Now let's get this show really moving," Finn said to the crowd who clapped louder.

"—And when I snap my fingers, you will be confronted by your worst fears on the count of three," Finn said to the foursome. "It will be right here on the stage with you." He turned to the audience. "Are you ready?" Claps and hoots filled the small room. "Alright then: one, two…..three!" he said with a snap of his fingers. The screaming started instantly.

Mary Margaret was screeching hysterically, tears coming to her face as she ran around the stage.

"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she screamed in terror.

"What is?" Finn asked in fake worriment from his mic.

"SNAKES! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"

Regina laughed out loud. "Are you getting this?" she asked Ruby. "Oh god, please tell me you're getting this." She grabbed her side where was getting a stitch from laughing so hard.

"CHARMING HELP ME!" Snow yelled at him as she looked like she was dancing as she tried to avoid the plethora of imaginary snakes that were slithering on the ground. Charming was frozen to the spot seeming just as terrified.

"I CAN'T!" he shouted back at her. "IF I MOVE I'LL DIE! DO YOU NOT SEE THIS DAMN CLIFF, WOMAN?"

"THERE IS NO CLIFF! IT'S A THOUSAND NEWLY HATCHED SNAKES ON THE FLOOR! THEY'RE EATING EACH OTHER AND GROWING BIGGER! CHARMIIIINNNNG!"

"THROW THEM OFF THE CLIFF! I CAN'T MOVE!" he said as he stared at the floor in front of him with huge eyes as he started to sweat.

Suddenly Hook interrupted their fight with the most anguished scream. "ME LEGS! WHERE ARE ME LEGS?!" He was crawling on the ground as if chasing them like they were running around the stage without him. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I CAN'T WEAR PEG LEGS! THEY WON'T MATCH MY EYES!" He rolled on the ground in front of Charming. "ME LEGS! COME BACK! I'LL BE THE WORST DRESSED CAPTAIN THERE EVER LIVED!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO GET EATEN!" screamed Snow as he rolled in her vision of snakes with Charming still petrified in place.

Emma had been completely closed off from the others' catastrophe and was huddled into herself on the far side of the stage. Finn avoided the others to sit next to Emma, giving the audience a raised eyebrow.

Regina had found Snow's fear hysterical, but had been concerned when Emma had immediately curled into the fetal position when he had snapped his fingers.

"And what are you doing all by yourself over here?" Finn playfully poked Emma in her side. A mumbled answered was said to him and he leaned in closer.

"It's okay, you can tell us."

At his prodding, Emma burst into heavy, hard, gut wrenching tears. She was sobbing hard enough that the hypnotist looked a little worried as he loosened his bowtie.

"R-R-Regina, she—" he nodded encouragingly at the blonde and patted her back lightly.

Ruby turned to Regina and gave her a fierce look. "The fuck you do to her?" she asked the brunette who looked worried at what she might say.

"-she's divorcing me!"

Regina put a hand to her mouth at the reveal of her wife's worst fear, and she was simultaneously touched and horrified.

"She's divorcing you?" Finn asked in astonishment. "What for?"

"For being…"

"Yes?"

The blonde took the mic from his hand and said in the smallest voice possible, "For being me?"

Regina's face fell as hard as her heart broke at her wife's insecure confession. She stood up and started marching to the stage; Finn had taken it too far.

"And what's wrong with yo—"

"ENOUGH," Regina growled into his face when she reached him, cutting off his invasive questions. "Take her out of it!" she demanded as she switched gears into protective wife mode.

"Whoa, hey, it's just a show," he said as she grabbed a fistful of his shirt. "And I wouldn't do that If I were you," he warned.

"Or what?" Regina challenged.

"Or this," Finn said sweetly as he touched her wrist and stared into her eyes. Regina instantly drooped to the ground on top of her sobbing Emma.

"Oh _shit_," Ruby whispered to her camera.

"The show must go on, am I right?" Finn said cheerfully. "How 'bout we lighten this up, ay?" He turned back to the chaos of the other three. "The fuck did we miss here?" he asked the crowd.

The hypnotist had turned back to a somewhat organized scene of Hook tying imaginary snakes together in a makeshift rope to wrap around Charming to keep him from falling while Snow hunted down Hook's legs for him.

_SNAP!_

Everyone went limp.

"Hmm okay, how about I give someone a super power?" Finn said as he eyeballed each one of them. "You," he pointed at a sleeping Snow. "When I snap my fingers, you will be able to see the others in their underwear."

_SNAP!_

The, now five, people on the stage blinked and looked around confused for a second.

"EEK!" Mary Margaret let out and her hands flew to her eyes as she turned beat red. Suddenly the other four changed their positions on their chairs when they realized what Mary Margaret could see.

"You alright there, Snow?" Finn prodded.

She barely nodded, split between covering her eyes, and pretending she couldn't see everyone in their underwear.

"What?" Charming said as he looked at her. He hadn't fidgeted in the slightest.

"Why don't you tell us what you see," Finn pushed with a grin.

"I-I see… my husband?" Snow offered and shielded her eyes from the others.

"Ah, well that's no fun," Finn said and touched her forehead. Snow's head quickly down and then back up instantly. "There we go," he winked. "Now she'll tell us," he said to the audience. "What do you see?" he directed at Snow again, and she sang like a canary this time.

"I see my husband. Damn he's fine," Snow said. Charming grinned at her candidness. "Next, I see—oh no, she's hot," Snow paled and whispered reverently when she looked towards Regina.

Regina had smugly rearranged herself to sit with her arms behind her head and her legs spread provocatively apart. With a flick of her head in Emma's direction, Regina mimed pushing a head between her thighs when the hypnotists looked away, and Snow clenched her jaw at the gesture.

"And the blonde?" Finn asked Snow.

Emma was all sorts of fidgety as she moved behind Regina, the chair, her own hands, trying to hide herself from her mother, who looked equally embarrassed for her.

"Don't say anything!" Emma hissed.

"I—I don't know," Snow told Finn.

"What? What do you mean you don't know?" the hypnotist genuinely wondered. "It can't have worn off," he muttered to himself.

"I can see her bra," Snow offered, "but…" Her statement hung in the air while everyone stared at the blonde before she confessed.

"Fuck, okay! I'm not wearing any!" Emma blurted out and Regina's head snapped to eye her skin-tight jean-clad ass. "Are you happy, perv?" she directed at the amazing Finn.

"Kinkkkkkyyyy," he said between laughs of his own.

"I think I need to sit down," Snow confessed and grabbed her chest as if in pain.

"Oh hold on, and the last one?" Finn asked and all eyes went to Hook.

Snow's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Are those Belle's?" she asked incredulously as her face burned an impossible, even darker red.

"Aye, tis true," Hook said proudly and in the manliest position he could possibly sit in.

"You got bells on yours? Cute," the hypnotist said, and Hook breathed a sigh of relief at his misunderstanding.

_SNAP!_

"What a great sport," Finn said and the crowd clapped their amusement and the five of them went back to sleep. "Here's a good one: all of you are now chickens. Try to pick up another beautiful chicken with your great flirting techniques." The crowd roared at the prompt.

_SNAP!_

Immediately Charming and Snow started flapping their wings and bawking lightly at each other with their arms bent under like wings. Emma merely fell over onto her back and waited with her legs sticking straight into the air as if she had been tipped over. Hook seemed to half-heartedly bawk twice, wander around the stage once, and then just kind of sat down on the side to preen his chicken feathers.

"Well ain't you the biggest cock of 'em all," Finn commented as he eyed Regina, who clearly wasn't as common as a chicken, but rather was in full rooster mode.

Regina stood tall and proud with her head held high in the air as she deliberately made a show of strutting about the stage regally before zoning in on the sprawled out chicken-Emma who already waiting for her with her legs sticking up in the air. Regina climbed atop the chicken-blonde and straddled her.

Fin tisked at the lonely Hook in the corner at having been left out. "Aww," he cooed at he tapped Hook's silver appendage. "Here. Your hand is now your lover."

_SNAP!_

Hook suddenly found his hooked hand incredibly intriguing as he hit on himself and said in his most seductive voice, "Hello there, love, fancy meeting you here." He then licked his own hook with hooded eyes from thick bottom to pointy tip and groaned loudly.

"Look, there's another one!" Finn touched Hook's real hand. The captain looked at his other hand without the hook and instantly shoved it down his pants while he continues to make out with his other one.

"Ooh looks like you found a bad boy down there, huh?" he grunted out as his hand found himself in his pants.

"How about we kick this up to the next level?" Finn said in between gasps of breath as he laughed along with the small crowd that was in hysterics. "Let's make things more adult, hmm?" Ruby whistled out her approval loudly.

He quickly ran by the other four and booped their noses before snapping his fingers in front of their eyes. "You're partner will now orgasm if you keep booping their nose," he said to the two couples still pretending to be chickens, or in one case, a dominating rooster.

_SNAP!_

Charming was cuddled up to Snow on the floor and was nuzzling her nose lightly. They were holding hands and Snow was giggling softly.

"Awww, isn't that swe—" Finn said into his mic before being interrupted by a shout.

While snow and Charming were a rather quiet affair, all eyes were drawn to Emma and Regina. They were rolling all over the place as each of them tried to top the other. It looked like a full blow fight was happening between the two women before Emma finally pinned Regina's hands above her head as she straddled her.

"OH MY GAWD!" Ruby screeched as she zoomed into Emma going at it with Regina on the same stage as her parents.

Charming was playfully booping Snow's nose with his finger until Mary Margaret like out the smallest of squeaks, a large sigh, and then promptly snuggled up to Charming.

Meanwhile, it was getting loud as Emma and Regina were still fighting. Emma was upsetting Regina each time she booped her on the nose with her finger, her tongue, her nose.

_Boop! Boop! Boop! _

"Got you again!" Emma teased as she increased the pace and Regina started to moan aloud. Emma released her captured wrists from her other hand as she moved up on the brunette underneath her. She continued to boop Regina's nose faster and faster until Regina yelped out and guided Emma's hands to her throat.

They were still screaming at each other, a mix of commands and ecstasy, as the room could do nothing but watch in car accident fashion. Emma's last boop came in the form of a kiss as Regina came hard with Emma's hands asphyxiating the brunette.

"OHH EMMAAAAHHHH!" Regina screamed as she came. After a few moments passed from her near blackout, Regina roughly threw the blonde off of her, meaning to reciprocate.

Finn was just staring at them with his mouth hanging open. They were still fully clothed, but that had been the most explicit display he had ever seen on his stage. He quickly cleared his throat when he realized they were going to keep going, and quickly put everyone to sleep once more.

_SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! _

"Sweet Jesus, these two," he murmured to himself. "Uh…" he said awkwardly, almost forgetting he was running a show.

"Well… it can't get any worse than that," he chuckled. "You guys have been a great audience. And what about these volunteers, huh?" he addressed the crowd who cheered, some still bent over from laughter. "Now," he said seriously. "I'd like to try something a little new. Is that okay with you guys?" More claps of approval. "Fantastic! Just give me a moment," he said and set his mic down.

The Amazing Finn then went around to the five of them, starting with Charming, to hypnotize them individually. He touched certain body parts on some, all the while humming under his breath; a different tune to each of them. He picked up his mic again and waited for the audience to become completely silent.

"I've never done this act before, but I wanted to try it with you since we've had so much fun tonight," he announced with flair. "I'll let you in on a little secret, though. I've mixed them all up. Let's see if you can guess who is who. They will each impersonate someone, fully believing they are them, but," he said with a finger in the air. "They won't realize anyone _else_ is an impersonator." He gave the crowd an excited grin and clapped his hands together.

_CLAPPITY CLAP!_

Regina was the first one to scream, fully believing that she had changed into Mary Margaret. She frantically grabbed her pixie short hair. "I'M HIDEOUS!" she screamed. "OH GOD EMMA, DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Regina cried out and covered her face.

"Well then I'll just close my eyes when I kiss you!" Snow said and moved in to snuggle Regina's nose.

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME" Regina yelled at Snow. "LITETALLY MOVE THE FUCK. TAKE THE FUCK, TAKE IT, AND MOVE IT. I DON'T WANT THE FUCK! GET IT OFF OF ME!"

"But I love youuuu!" Snow said and trapped Regina in a hard hug.

Emma suddenly wandered to the edge of the stage with some swagger and had curled her left hand into a C shape. "Ladies," she said in her gruffest and sexiest voice to a pair of young women that were sitting next to each other in the front row. She wriggled a single eyebrow as far up as it would go and stepped down off the stage to them.

"Shiver me timbers, you're quite the catch, loves," Emma said. "Tell me, have you seen the size of me ship?" The two women were giggling hysterically as they played along and shook their heads. Emma shoved her way in between the two women and threw an arm around each of them with a cocked eyebrow and a satisfied look.

Hook had sprung up in almost a panic. "MARY MARGARET? SNOW!? WHERE ARE YOU?!" He took a blind step forward as he searched the room and promptly fell off of the stage. "DON'T WORRY, I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU!" He ran back and forth and down random aisles, lifting up people's feet, looking into purses, and under people's seats. "I WILL FIND YOU!" Hook began to launch into a hastily prepared speech about his true love. "I am the finger on the page, and you are my Waldo. I will search till the ends of the Earth and time itself to say that I have found you in my sights once more. For I will not rest—"

Charming hadn't moved from his seat as he watched everyone else. His expression was one of absolute fury and he was clenching his fists firmly next to his sides. His eyes were trained solely on Emma as she shouted incorrect nautical terms at the two women she was seated between.

Emma moved her fake hooked hand to grab one of the women's hands. "Ocean currents could not compare to the starboard lights in your eyes, love" she said smoothly and kissed her hand lightly to the sound of giggles.

Charming immediately stood up and lit a fireball in hand. "GET YOUR CUM SOAKED PAWS OFF OF HER!" he yelled at the woman.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Regina yelled to a surprised Finn when she saw Charming's flame. She was still trying to beat Mary Margaret off of her and stop her from licking her neck.

"But _she_ kissed—" the woman tried to refute as she pushed Emma away from her.

Charming let loose the fireball and the crowd screamed as it went wide and crashed to the floor just in front of them. "OBEY YOUR QUEEN, SERF!"

"Oh come on, mate!" Emma huffed to Charming, "now how I am supposed to get the sextant?"

"Ohhh shiiiiii—" Finn said as the crowd started to empty out in a hurry to escape the fireball flames.

Regina's trance had apparently broken as she tried to start a fireball in her own palm, but to her horror nothing happened. "My magic!" she panicked until she locked eyes with Finn.

"YOU!" she said menacingly, and Finn gulped hard as he started to back away.

"Did last night mean _nothing_ to you?" Charming yelled at Emma.

"MARCO! …...MARCO!...MARCO!" Hook called all over the room, flipping abandoned seats over. "DAMNIT WOMAN, ANSWER ME!" he said, getting frustrated.

"Sno—I mean Emma!" Regina snapped at her mother in law who was still trying to climb her like a tree.

"Yes, that's me!" Snow answered and made kissie faces at her.

"Go save something. You're the Savior after all, right?"

"Oh that's right!" Snow said then took on the title full heartedly. "I am the savior! LET'S GO FUCK SOME SHIT UP!" Snow drew an imaginary sword out and charged off the stage, finally freeing Regina to deal with Finn as she went after him.

"GIVE ME BACK MY MAGIC!" Regina fisted her hand into his shirt, "AND CHANGE THEM BACK, YOU SLUNT!

"I don't know how!" he cried out as they both dodged a rogue flame. "I'd never tried this before!"

"What kind of hypnotist are you?!" she slapped him. "DO IT!"

"FIRST of all, I'm _not," _Finn answered. "SECOND of all," he continued, "that Charming fellow sure has you down perfectly. I thought he was kidding."

Regina ignored his comment. "What do you mean you're _not?_"

"Jafar banished me to this world. I've been trying to make a living passing off my shitty magic skills as a hypnotist act," Finn confessed.

Regina was at a loss for words as she gaped. "Can you at least change me back?"

"What?"

"Make me look like myself again."

"You do look like yourself. For some reason it didn't really work on you, it might've been your magic. I didn't know you had any. The others though…" he trailed off.

Emma frowned and said to Charming, "I didn't even get to see their bras on my poopdeck. I suppose I'm still stuck with this one," she said and pulled her shirt off to admire the red bra she was wearing.

"You are in so much trouble when we get home, Emma!" Charming believed to be yelling at his shirtless wife.

"Is it the good kind?" Snow stopped her savior rescue of a moth from a stray line of fire that was still ablaze at the sound of Emma being said.

"COULD IT BE?" Hook popped up from underneath a rug at the sound of Snow's voice. "I haven't heard that sweet sound in years! Am I dead or is this real life?" He abruptly stood up and clutched at his heart when he saw Snow. "MY LOVE! I HAVE FOUND YOU! THE POLO TO MY MARCO!" he rushed over to Snow and bent her over in the most dramatic kiss that could have won an Emmy.

The real Regina had to smirk when Snow, still impersonating Emma, broke the kiss and kneed Hook in the balls. He grunted a high yelp and went down hard.

"Babe, I think you need to put your shirt back on. I feel weird," Charming said to Emma.

"Nay, you haven't felt weird till you've felt a glitter bra on your mast," Emma drawled as she grabbed herself.

"The fuck—" Charming immediately started to lose control of his new magic abilities as he started shooting out bursts of pink shocks. One of them hit Snow square in the back and she went down, spazzing on the floor next to Hook.

Regina massaged her temples and looked to Finn who was rocking back and forth on the floor in a panic.

"I can't remember the order I hypnotized them!" he said as he rocked. "It has to be exact or they could get stuck in the wrong impersonation if I do it any other way!"

Regina pursed her lips, knowing she would be of no help as she was under when it happened.

"Regina!" someone hissed from behind the stage, and the brunette jumped. She walked behind the bunched up curtains to find Ruby hidden away behind a small fort of metal folded up chairs.

"Ruby?" Regina said full of surprise. "I thought you left!"

"And miss this clusterfuck? Naw," she said and shoved her camera at the brunette. "Here," she said sadly. "It's the only copy of tonight, but I think it's time to make 'em normal again."

Regina looked at the camera with disdain. "Uhh….."

"Rewind it," Ruby prodded.

"Wolf, you're alright," Regina allowed after a few seconds when she grasped her meaning. "You do it," she said as she thrust it back into Red's hands, and she dragged Finn over to them by the scruff of his neck.

"Got it!" Ruby said after a few seconds. She hit play as they all watched The Amazing Finn individually touch and speak to Charming, Hook, Emma, Snow, and then Regina, in that order. The little camera's screen faded to white and Ruby sighed.

"Granny's going to kill me," she muttered at the now useless camera, which had somehow managed to erase itself.

Regina ordered Finn in her most commanding tone, "FIX THEM NOW!"

"Alright! Alright!" he said as he put his hands up.

Ruby and Regina tackled Charming to the ground to keep him from shooting pink spazzy sparks at Finn while he instantly made him sleep when he touched his forehead. Hook was already down from his balls, Emma was easy enough, and Snow was knocked out on the ground. Regina was last as she immediately slept at the touch of Finn's hand before they were all awakened at the same time.

"Are we normal again?"

"Me goods!"

"My knee hurts."

"What happened?"

"Why am I shirtless?"

"All very excellent questions," Finn said, "but I'm afraid I must go!" And just like that, he ran out of the building at the speed of light before any of them could catch him.

"Here," Ruby handed Emma her shirt and she quickly put it on.

"Damn, who the fuck was that guy?" the blonde said, clearly not remembering the evening.

"Jafar's younger brother," Ruby said.

"WHAT?" Regina stared at her in disbelief.

"Finnigan?" Ruby clarified. "Yeah, he's adopted. I tried to warn you guys," she said with a shrug.

"Well you could have been more specific!" Regina said angrily.

"You didn't ask!" Ruby defended.

"I don't need to _ASK_. I AM A QUEEN, I DEMAND—."

"Queen of my heart."

"SNOW?"

"I thought I sensed porn."

"Bloody hell, you landlubbers are all mad."

**A/N**: I was actually in the middle of a different chapter for this fic when this one DEMANDED to be written lol. Reviews make my day and fuel my creativity! So PLEASE REVIEW & thanks for reading :D


	7. Game Night

**A/N:** So this is my fic for the SwanQueenWeek prompt of a _blind_ date. (The prompt served more as inspiration than anything else.)

* * *

Ruby froze up in terror as two hands slithered up from her waist to grope her chest from behind as red lips found her ear.

"Mmm, you know what I feel like eating right now?" Regina's husky voice breathed into her ear. Ruby was too shocked to even speak as her mouth opened and closed in the air. "You," Regina purred as her teeth scraped against her neck.

"OI!" an angry voice yelled from across the room, followed by an argument.

"What? YOU were supposed to be watching her!"

"_Me?_ I thought you were! She's _your _wife!"

"—who's groping _your _girlfriend!"

Lacey double took at Regina who was licking a terrified Ruby's cheek.

"REGINA! WHAT THE FUCK, BRO, THAT'S NOT EMMA!" Lacey screamed as she marched over to the twosome.

Regina instantly jumped away and started spitting and wiping her mouth with the back of her palm. "The fuck, wolf, why didn't you say something!" she growled with anger as she swiped at the air in front of her in a slapping motion, but missing by feet.

Regina threw out her hands in front of her, and started walking away unsteadily until Emma caught her in her arms. Regina's hands instantly went to the blonde's chest in a hard grope.

"Emma?"

"Yeah, it's me this time," she said with a wince.

"She—she felt just like you!" Regina said.

Emma side-glanced Ruby and jumped when Regina's hand went down her pants to feel out her front.

"—Oh, nope, it's you," Regina said, giving her wife's clit a light swipe.

"Jesus, Regina. I know _you_ can't see," Emma said as she readjusted herself, "but everyone else can see you."

Regina froze at her statement. "Who else is here besides Lacey and the wolf?"

The room was silent as the three of them pointed at who was going to be the one to tell her. Emma mimed a motion with her closed fist moving up and down in front of her.

"You want me to get Hook?" Ruby asked quizzically.

"What? No," Emma said.

"She meant rock, paper, scissors," Lacey supplied.

"For what?" Regina asked.

"Errr…"Lacey started. Emma and Ruby's fingers flew to their noses.

"NOSE GOES!" they both shouted.

"Fuck," Lacey said when she realized it was up to her. "Err… Regina…"

"What," she said roughly, sensing the bad news.

"Now don't get angry, but—"

"WHAT."

"Well," Lacey said as she threw a hand to the back of her neck. "You might have gone blind—temporarily most likely—from eh—"

"How doesn't she remember?" Ruby interrupted.

"Well she did go blind from it," Emma said dryly.

"Remember what!" Regina demanded, getting more irritated.

"Youmight'vepossiblygoneblindfromwalkinginonyourinlaws," Lacey said far too quickly.

"Come again?" the blinded brunette asked.

"You might've possibly gone blind from walking in on your in laws…." Lacey said. "…having sex….together….in….." Emma and Ruby cringed as they waited for the kicker. "...in…..your bed."

Silence.

It was a tense moment as the three of them watched Regina place all the pieces together. They were waiting for the former queen to burst into an explosion of anger, but instead, pure horror dawned across the brunette's face at the memory.

"Oh god," Regina whispered in terror. "I walked in and—and they were—it was," she gulped. "Oh god it was so…there wasn't any spanking, slapping, biting, bondage, chocking or anything! It..it was so… so…"

"Yeah?" Red pushed.

"Softcore," she whispered. "Hrrrghhhrrr," Regina covered her mouth hastily as her body bent into a C shape.

"Guys, get me a trashcan or something, I think she's gunna be sick," Emma said with concern as she watched her wife gag again. "Quick!"

Ruby handed Emma the trashcan from the bathroom just in time for Regina to white knuckle the edge as she threw up.

"Great so now I'm blind _and_ sick?" she said through her teeth. "What were those two idiots even doing up here? And more importantly WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY FRICK FRACKING IN OUR BED?!"

"Annnnnd there she is," Emma murmured under her breath. "They were supposed to be babysitting the kid while we were out getting a few things for tonight," she said louder.

Someone cleared their throat from the doorway and all four heads turned towards the noise.

"Is she okay?" a small voice asked.

"YOU," Regina sneered and stomped towards the voice she recognized as Mary Margaret's.

"Regina, don't!"

Her hands were already fisting into locks of hair, and a shrill shriek pierced the room.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU PSYCHO!" Lacey shouted as she tried to fight off the angry brunette. Little could she see that Snow was standing right next to Lace.

"Babe, cut it out," Emma said as she pulled her wife off of the wrong woman.

"YOU CUT IT OUT! I'M FUCKING BLIND THANKS TO THIS PANCAKE BITCH!"

"Regina," David's deep voice echoed through the room. "We're sorry and it was disrespectful of us to…to…"

"He can't even say it!" Ruby laughed. "I bet it's nothing to the amount of times they've fucked at your place though."

"What?" Snow said suddenly as she looked to Emma. "What is she talking about?"

"EMMA!" Regina called for with her hands out in front of her as she walked around.

"Here," Emma said, taking her hand. Regina groped her one more, and then put on a show of groping her harder when she remembered Snow and Charming were in the room. Regina could hear their awkward shifts on the wooden floor. Never one to let the Charmings forget who owned their daughter, blind or not, Regina misjudged the distance to Emma's face and collided a sloppy and possessive kiss to her nose. Regina suddenly gasped as she fell backwards and onto her ass hard.

"Whoa there," Charming said, stepping forward to help grab one of her arms to help her up. Regina's hand found his leg and he let out a high squeak when her hand went too high up.

"Charming. Right," she stated before putting a hand to her head and groaned. "What was that?"

"What?" Emma asked.

"You didn't see that?" Regina said.

"See what? Can _you_ see already?"

"No, but... I saw you," she explained. "You were… " She suddenly stopped speaking to navigate herself closer to her ear. "You were humping the shit out of me."

"I was WHAT?" Mary Margaret screeched.

"Whaa—no! Not you!" Regina said, realizing she hadn't whispered into Emma's ear. "Oh my god, get out! All of you!" she shoved the nearest person to her which happened to be Lacey.

"Rude," Red said as she was also pushed out of the bedroom, followed by the Charmings.

"Check on Henry will ya?" Emma said before she was about the close the door.

"Why? Hook's watching him downsta—" the door slammed on Ruby's sentence.

"What was that about?" Emma turned to accost Regina.

"I couldn't think with all their idiocy filling the room," she stated plainly. "I _clearly _saw you on me."

"Oh really?" Emma said with a smirk. "How so? Like this?" She wrapped her arms around her wife and pressed her back against the wall next to the door.

"Yeah, basically."

Emma's hands started to tangle in the brunette's hair as she slowly started to grind against her. Not being able to see seemed to amplify Regina's other senses, and she moaned low into the blonde's ear. Emma was really working a number on her as she increased the pace of her dry humping until she was getting close.

Suddenly the door swung open. Emma shrieked and jumped up to wrap her legs around Regina who struggled with her sudden weight against the wall.

"What are you doing?" a child's voice Regina would know anywhere asked.

Emma coughed and tried to play off their position, "S-spider."

"WHERE?!" Regina panicked as she dumped the blonde on the floor.

Henry looked around the ground as he backed out of the room a few feet. "I don't see it!"

"Go get the flame thrower!" Emma commanded, and Henry sprinted back down the stairs in a hurry.

"Where is it? Where is it? Don't let it get me!" Regina squeaked.

"Oh right," Emma said. "I just said that so he wouldn't see me humping the shit out of you. Walking in on people must run in the family, but I don't want to scar the kid for life…..yet," she added.

Regina paused at her phrasing. "Say that again."

"That again."

"No, what you said before."

"Earlier? I think you could pull off ass-less chaps?"

"No no no," she said and then paused, "Well _yes_, but no."

"Humping the shit out of you?"

"That's it."

"What about it?"

"I told you I just saw that happen."

"Well, yeah, cuz it happened." Regina gave the wall her hardest stare, hoping it was piercing the blonde, and then it clicked for Emma. "Oh right. Blind. Was it a vision then?" Emma's eyes widened. "CAN YOU SEE THE FUTURE?!" she choked out. "DO YOU KNOW RAVEN?"

"Who? And I—I don't know. It happened when I kissed you, but that was only about…"she tilted her head sideways. "Five minutes into the future?"

"Do you know what this means?" Emma said greedily.

"What?"

"We can win the poker championship downstairs!"

"By cheating?"

"Wifey, please," Emma put up her hand in a stopping gesture. "Like you weren't cheating before you came up here to get your pocket sized magic mirror."

Regina's grin widened at having been caught red handed. "Yes, let's not use my newfound power to see which college our son gets accepted to. Let's use it to win a petty game night instead!"

"Let's do this," Emma said, decking her brunette in sunglasses. "But they can't know you can see the future," she said.

"Right," Regina felt around randomly until Emma's face was in her palms. She kissed the blonde fully this time and broke away suddenly. "We're screwed," she said flatly.

"What? Why?"

"They're going to change the game to charades."

"Oh no, you _suck_ at that game!"

"_I _suck?" Regina argued, "Why can't you ever guess anything right?"

"Me?" Emma put a hand to her chest, "Even _with _foresight, you won't be able to act out a scene even if you got the card _yesterday_."

"IT WAS THAT MOVIE ROCKY!"

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU CALLED YOUR HORSE AS A KID?!"

"IT WAS SHORT FOR ROCINANTE!" Regina huffed as she pushed the blonde away. "Damnit," she whispered as her hands passed over the door frame.

Since Regina couldn't see her, Emma smiled smugly, but didn't say anything as she grabbed her wife's hand to help down the stairs and into the living room where everyone was currently debating about what to play next.

"Hey," Emma whispered as they were walking down. "Do you think we can change the future? Otherwise, we're fucked if we're stuck with charades."

Regina seemed genuinely surprised at the suggestion. "Hm. It's worth a shot I suppose," she answered carefully.

"I don't know. Now that Granny isn't here, that card shark, maybe one of us could actually win a round or two of poker? I think we should still play," Lacey offered her two cents on the matter.

"We vote poker!" Emma volunteered as she sat down on the couch next to Regina.

"How about something more fun?" Snow offered. "Like Charades?"

There were a couple shrugs from them all as they looked to everyone else's reaction.

"Noo," Emma whined.

"Charades it is then," Snow said brightly when none of the others offered up further suggestions.

"Damnit," the blonde murmured to Regina and then counted everyone in the room. "Hey where's Henry?"

"He came running down here asking where y'all keep the flame thrower," Lacey said with a strange look. "Then his friend came to the door asking if he could go out and play. It really sounded like he needed to, so I hope that's cool."

"Ugh how long will this game last?" Emma said and pecked Regina's cheek.

"I think it only works when_ I_ kiss _you_," she answered. "Although…if you can aim…" she trailed off as she grabbed Emma's hand and it started to warm up.

"Deal," she said so suddenly she aimed Regina's hand at the box of Charade categories.

Regina lit a fireball and let it fly as it careened into the box Mary Margaret was holding. The cards flew everywhere, the box disintegrated, and Snow's face fell hard.

"Regina! What did you do that for?" she said with her voice full of hurt.

"I'M BLIND, YOU BITCHES! WE CAN'T PLAY CHARADES!" Regina argued. "How the fuck am I supposed to see?

"Mate," Hook sauntered in from the kitchen at the sound of the small explosion. "Relax. Everything we play won't be fair to you," he said in a manner of comfort. "Although I'm with you," he held up his hook as his excuse. He had a bowl of chips with him as he sat down next to Regina.

"What about monopoly?" Emma offered to a chorus of groans.

Granny appeared out of nowhere and slapped the blonde. "NONE OF THAT SHIT!" she yelled at her.

"FUCK ME!" Emma shouted as her hand cradled her cheek. She looked around the room to find that Granny had vanished as quickly as she had appeared.

"I could play that game," Regina purred to the expletive as she kissed the blonde's reddened cheek. Momentarily forgetting her new power, a static shock passed through her from Emma and she jumped apart from her.

"Truth or dare?" Regina said blinking away her confusion with a furrowed brow as she saw the vision of it.

"Ooooh, now it just got interesting," Ruby said with her arm hanging off Lacey's shoulder.

"No no no," Regina tried to dissuaded them, but only Snow looked hesitant. Emma, Ruby, Lacey, Hook, and Charming were all nodding enthusiastically and raising eyebrows at each other.

"So it's settled," Red said, deciding to move things along. "Who goes first? We can do it the old fashion way?" she offered, holding up her empty beer bottle.

"Oh no," Regina moaned.

"What?"

"I can see already!" she said as she blinked away her blindness.

"You're psychological scarring must have been brief," Charming tried to joke at her and received the stink eye.

"You're kidding me!" Emma said. "We didn't even get to…" she trailed off when she noticed the other's curious eyes. "I mean that's soooo great!" Everyone sat down on the floor in a circle. "We are so fucked," Emma whispered to a conflicted Regina. She was ecstatic to have her sight back, but now they had to play for real.

They sat Emma, Regina, Hook, Charming, Snow, Ruby, and then Lacey completed the circle next to Emma. They were all giddy as Red spun the bottle and they watched it slow its rotation to land on…..Ruby.

"Sweet!" she said.

"She rigged it," Emma complained.

"Either way, I get to start us off," she said smugly. "Hmm…WAIT," she said seriously. "Are we all agreed, no back outs?"

The majority of the circle nodded.

"Say it, bitches," Red commanded.

"No back outs," they all repeated.

"Alright," she rubbed her hands together,"HOOK!"

"Aye?"

"Truth or Dare?"

In his manliest voice he could muster he said, "I fear no quest! Dare!"

"I dare you to trade clothes with anyone in the room!" Ruby said with a smirk.

"Oh come on!" Regina said. "You can't dare him something he's would _want_ to do!"

"You just don't want me to choose you. Am I right, Love?" He said with a cocky grin, but before Regina could retort he said, "Then it's settled! I pick Regina!"

Regina's mouth dropped open, "But—"

"No back outs!" Lacey sung sweetly.

Hook wriggled his eyebrow at her. "Shall we do it here, or..?"

"HERE!" Lacey shouted. Regina gave him a look of disgust before they were both in the middle of the circle and down to their underwear. Regina eyed Hook's girl's boy shorts and sports bra.

"Not feeling so fabulous tonight?" She quipped at his less than stellar undergarments.

"Belle's doing laundry," Hook admitted. "This was all I could filch from her."

"Well I think I'd like to pass on the crabs, and I don't need you stretching out my good bra either." Regina re-adjusted her bra and snatched Hook's other clothing from him. When the swap was done, Regina was in Hook's black pants, shirt, coat and boots.

"Dayyam, babe," Emma hummed and glued herself to her wife's side.

Hook, on the other hand, was stuffed uncomfortably into Regina's button up that wouldn't close, a black blazer, leggings, and boots as well.

"Remind me to pick someone who's clothes I'd actually fit in," he murmured and eyed Charming's get up. "Does this mean it's my turn?" he then asked.

"Goooo already!" Lacey said.

"Since you're so eager, Lacey! Truth or Dare?" Hook said.

"Dare me!" she said fearlessly.

"Okay, I dare you to unzip," he looked around the room at who looked the most uncomfortable, "Charming's zipper without breaking eye contact or laughing for at least twenty seconds."

"Piece of cake," Lace said, already getting up.

"—with your teeth."

Emma and Red both chortled at the same time, and Lacey looked a little less sure of herself. Charming seemed to ask Snow's permission with the arch of his eyebrow. Snow crossed her arms and proceeded to watch Lacey like a hawk. The two of them had stepped forwards in the circle and Charming was standing awkwardly, unsure of what to do with his hands. Lacey was on her knees in front of him with her big blue eyes staring intensly at him.

"Annnnd go!" Hook said as he looked over at Regina's watch he was now wearing.

Lacey was trying to kill as much time as possible as she got her teeth latched on to Charming's zipper.

"No looking away!" Red called to Charming who was looking anywhere but back at Lacey. When his eyes snapped back to her, Lacey playfully moaned aloud in jest as she slowly pulled down on his zipper. Mary Margaret's expression was made of stone as she watched on.

"Five more seconds," Hook announced. The whole circle started to feel the tension as Charming and Lacey were practically eye fucking in the middle of the room with how they were staring at each other. Lacey had managed to pull his zipper all the way down just in time.

"Time!" Regina said when the twenty seconds were up.

Lacey licked her lips. "You're welcome," she said to Charming with a wink.

Snow cleared her throat loudly. "I believe it's your turn."

"Well that was intense, but I'll give ya a break Charming," Lacey allowed.

"Yes?" his voice broke and he cleared his throat to repeat it again in his deep voice. "Yes?"

"Truth or Dare?"

"Er…" One look at Snow chose for him. "Truth."

"Thought so," Regina murmured to Emma.

"Hmmm," Lacey thought. "I'll give you an easy one. Would you rather fuck a goat and have no one ever find out, or not have to fuck a goat, but everyone thinks that you did?"

"Uhh…" Charming debated. "I think I'd rather have no one ever find out than have everyone think I did."

"Holy shit, you would fuck a goat?" Red burst out.

"Well he _was_ a shepherd," Lacey mused.

"Looks like you've got some competition, eh?" Hook jabbed at Snow.

"I don't see any difference between the two," Regina said dryly.

"Hey!" Snow said.

"Be nice, babe," Emma added her two cents, and then to her father. "Psh, that was nothing. You pick someone now."

Charming eyed the remaining people who hadn't been chosen yet before his eyes settled on a brunette. "Regina," he said with a smirk, "truth or dare?"

Regina gave him an evil stare and lit a fireball in her hand. "Don't fuck with me," she warned before she extinguished the flame and Charming reconsidered the other women in the circle.

"Uh, okay," he stammered. "How about—"

"Truth," Regina said.

"Aww come on!" Emma said to her wife.

"Don't be lame," Lacey added.

"Truth?" Charming asked. "Okay, I'd like to live to see tomorrow so, KFM?"

"What?"

"Kill, fuck, or marry? Anyone in this circle," Charming said.

All eyes instantly flew to Emma whose eyes went wide, and then to Snow who's hand went to the back of her head as she rubbed her neck.

"Who's she gunna frick the frack with?" Hook said as he rearranged his legs to spread farther apart with a cheesy smile. "Go on, you can say it," he said in an air of nonchalance.

Regina's eyes ran through her options around the circle. "I'd marry Emma," she said and pecked the blonde next to her on the cheek. "I'd fuck myself," she went on, "and I'd kill you for asking that," she finished to Charming.

"Damn, Regina," Red said and Hook went back to slouching when he wasn't mentioned. "That was smooth as fuck."

"My turn," the brunette said and looked straight at Snow. "Truth or Dare?"

Mary Margaret seemed like she might actually be considering which of the two before Regina interrupted her thoughts with, "Bitch please, like you aren't going to pick truth." Everyone's eyes flicked back and forth between the two women.

"I was thinking!" Snow defended.

"Uh-huh," she said flatly. "Sure you were. You were thinking about playing it safe and picking truth."

"I can pick truth if I want to!"

"You were going to anyways"

"You don't know that!"

"You couldn't even prove me wrong."

"I could so!"

"Suuuuure," Regina yawned and looked at her nails.

"Fine!" Snow said heatedly. "I WAS going to pick truth, but you know what? I'm not afraid of you! DARE ME!" she yelled at her daughter in law.

"Excellent," Regina said with a wicked grin and a throaty laugh.

"This is going to be good," Lacey stage whispered aloud.

Regina snapped her fingers together and in a puff of blue smoke a pole appeared in the center of their circle, reaching from the ceiling to the floor. "I DARE you to do a strip tease to any song I choose."

Mary Margaret's face paled as she took the pole in.

"No cop outs," Red reminded her.

"F-fine," Snow stammered and got up to stand by the pole. Charming and Hook had matching grins on their countenances, and Emma was unsure of where to look.

Regina filched her ipod from her purse and scrolled through until another smirk crossed her face. "Found it."

"I don't hear anything," Snow said a little confused, expecting some raving booty poppin club starter.

Emma's ears perked up instantly. "Oh," she said to Red and Lacey. "I would've thought she'd pick an un-strippable song like 'Over the Rainbow' instead of _this_."

"Un-strippable?" Lacey said.

"Over the rainbow?" Red asked.

"How do you know that song's un-strippable?" Hook butted in, and Emma's face started to redden.

"It—the movie just _happened _to be on when…" Emma stuttered out.

"OH MY GOD! YOU'VE TRIED!" Ruby burst out laughing.

"No! We—" the blonde quickly amended, "I—"

"Holy shit, I bet they were cos-playing again," Lacey elbowed Red and flicked her head towards Regina.

"THAT," Regina turned to them, "Is neither here nor there." She shut them down and raised the volume of her song for Snow which had passed its intro as they were dogging Emma.

"Is that…" Red's ears flicked.

_'And I will always love you_' started playing softly.

"Whitney Houston?" Lacey finished.

Everyone burst out laughing as Mary Margaret stared at the pole, before awkwardly grabbing it with one hand. As if she was moving in slow motion, Snow tried to make up some stripper moves as it rolled into the saxophone instrumental part.

"This is so hard," she said sadly.

"Same," Hook muttered to Charming, giving up on the hope of seeing a real show.

Even Emma was laughing hysterically as her mother tried to figure out the best way to strip to the slow song, choosing to slowwwly take off her pink cardigan for it to count as a strip.

_And I wish to you joy and happiness…_

Snow tossed her cardigan onto Charming's lap and started to shimmy up as far as she could go as she got ready for the big moment. She wrapped her legs around the topmost part of the pole and went for it by hanging upside down just in time for the musical hit.

_ANNNNNDDD IIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

Snow spun around the pole by her legs as she made her was down the pole.

_WILLLLLLLLLLLL ALLLLLLWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSS_

She threw both arms out on either side as she made her way down

_LOVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHH_

By now Mary Margaret had reached the floor, and was now on her knees over-lip-syncing to the song's climax. Emma looked over to see her wife fucking crying from laughter at her in law deciding to own it. All through the circle tears were being shed at how ridiculous the whole thing was.

"I CAN'T BREATHHHH!" Ruby yelped as she started to hyperventilate, and Lacey was pounding her fist on the floor. Hook was elbowing Charming in between gasps of air. Snow had joined in with her own giggles while she put her frilly cardigan back on. Emma started a slow clap by herself.

"Oh man," Charming said, wiping his eye when the majority of them could breathe properly again. "Who's left?"

"Ruby!" Snow clapped her hands together. "Truth or Dare?"

Ruby looked Mary Margaret up and down, evaluating her wildness after her previous shenanigan. "Let's go with…..dare!" she said.

Mary Margaret thought for a while. "Oh I know!" she said giddily. "I dare you to prank call someone!"

"BOO!" Regina said and gave her the thumbs down.

"At least make it dirty," Lacey prompted.

"Phone sex!" Emma cheered, and Red's eyes widened at her suggestion.

"Ay, now we're talking, love," Hook said with a wink.

"Um okay," Snow said. "A phone-sex call with… whoever comes up first?"

Charming pulled out his phone and hit a random button on his contacts, and chocked on his own spit when he saw who came up.

"Lemme see! Lemme see!" Red said as she grabbed it from him and her eyes widened in horror. "No, no!"

"Who is it?" Regina asked.

"Anyone but Old Man Rumple!" Ruby whined. This gathered another round of laughs.

"Here," Charming shoved the phone at her. "It's dialing on speaker."

"Alrea—"

"Hello?" Old Man Rumple answered on the fourth ring.

"Er—hey there big boy," Red said, dropping her voice a few octaves to give it a sexy husk.

"What?"

"I said hey there, stud," she repeated.

"WHAT?"

"Oh for fuck's sake guys, the old bastard can't even hear me he's so deaf," she said to the circle and hung up in irritation.

"Hey, no back outs!" Snow pouted. "I know! Give me that," she said and dialed someone else. "Here," she said giving it back. "Someone not so old this time."

"Hello?" a male voice answered.

Ruby's head whipped to Snow who had a huge smile on her face.

"D-Dr. Whale?" Ruby stammered.

"Yes, is there something wrong?"

"I—I need," Red dropped into her husk again. "I need you to cum for me, bad boy."

The room erupted into riotous smothered laughter when Dr. Whale didn't miss a beat.

"Oh yeah? How hard do you want me to cum for you? Can you handle this bad boy?"

"So haaarrrrddd," Ruby moaned into the phone.

"Do you like it when I touch you there?" he whispered gruffly across the line.

Regina crinkled her nose at the whole exchange, and Emma was practically beside herself.

"Mmm yeah," Ruby groaned and Lacey's eyes found hers as she continued. "I need to fuck you, you're just sooo wet mmmmm."

"Ye—wait, what?" Whale suddenly asked confused.

"What?" Ruby said right after him, realizing her misstep.

"YOUR GAY IS SHOWING, WOLF!" Regina heckled.

"Who was that?" Whale asked.

"I HAVE TO GO BYE!" Ruby slammed the phone down.

"For a second you had me worried there," Lacey teased. Emma was bent over in hysterics, finding the whole scenario far funnier than she should. The Charmings were quietly chuckling as well. Hook cleared his throat and discreetly readjusted himself through the leggings he was wearing.

"SWAN!" Ruby shouted.

"Yeah?"

"Truth. Or. Dare."

"Uh," Emma gulped when she realized Red was going to get her back. "Da-nope, not the way you're lookin' at me." She changed her mind last minute. "Truth!"

"Weenie," Lacey muttered.

Red grinned menacingly. "Perfect. So get this, Regina and Snow switch bodies and only way to switch them back is to have sex with either Regina in Snow's body or Snow in Regina's. Which. Would. You. Choose."

"Oh no she did not!" Hook gasped.

"This is uncomfortable," Charming said.

Regina looked towards Snow in disgust, and Snow's eyes were wider than her face. Lacey was the only one who looked genuinely amused by the question.

"What the fuck! How am I supposed to answer that?" Emma shrieked.

"Shouldn't've suggested the phone sex," Ruby deadpanned. She then held up a finger, "And yes, you have to pick, and yes everyone has to remain conscious."

"Damn." Emma began to sweat nervously when Regina crossed her arms and stared at her. "Err…" Her cheeks started to turn pink with a deep blush.

"R—Regina in Snow's body," she admitted hastily and avoided any eye contact as Snow gasped and Charming cleared his throat.

"You motherfucker!" Lacey clapped her on the back and Hook guffawed.

"Interesting," was all Red said.

Emma was avoiding Regina's piercing stare.

"Look at me," the brunette demanded. She turned Emma's face to hers with her finger underneath the blonde's chin. "Tell me why," she demanded. Then a little softer so only Emma could hear her, "Why wouldn't you choose me?"

"What?" Emma said in confusion. "I did choose you!"

"You chose fucking your own mother over me!" Regina refuted hotly.

"No I didn't! You'd be in there instead!"

"And how is that any better?"

"I—I would pickyou any day," Emma confessed. "It wouldn't matter if you looked like yourself or not, or—," she gulped, "—or even my own mother. I love _you _for _you._"

Regina softened at Emma's reasoning and she kissed the blonde lightly on the lips. Ruby rolled her eyes as the two of them started snuggling.

"Awwwwww," escaped the lips of everyone else in the circle.

"Well that backfired," Red said lamely.

Just then the door to their home swung open and Henry waltzed in, shouting goodbye to his friend.

"Looks like game night's over," Charming said as he started to get up from the floor.

"Was fun though," Lacey said.

"We should do it again sometime," Snow nodded.

"Aye, that we should," Hook added, adjusting his ass in Regina's tight leggings.

* * *

**A/N**: You guys know I love reading your reviews for this fic *winks and elbows you in your side* Eh? Eh?


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